UnNews:Israelis and Palestinians agree on permanent war
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Israelis and Palestinians agree on permanent war
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 08:37:UTC)(
18 June 2008
TEL AVIV, Israel - A secret meeting of radical, violent Palestinians and radical, violent Israelis resulted in a sensational agreement. Within only a few hours a deal was made that will change for decades the pending situation in the Middle East into a reliable status. Both sides agreed to make the state of war permanent and to tear lumps out of each other unto the last man standing, and beyond if possible.
"It was so easy to come to terms," both sides said in unison. "After we put our positions on the table, our common ground came to light pretty soon. It was like the scales falling from our eyes: what we both have in common is a longing for war! Surely, there are other common things like hate, and religious fanatism, we can agree on this any time, but the main point is permanent, armed conflict!"
After this was established, the two sides worked out a six-point plan to make sure that the warlike solution will be lasting, and that peace-mongers will have no chance to reverse it. Both sides have agreed to do their part:
- Palestinians will continue to fire rockets randomly on civilians.
- Palestinians will make sure that there is always a sufficient supply of suicide bombers and equipment like explosive belts and car bombs.
- Money received by Palestinians from the EU, USA, OPEC, or other donors, will be spent exclusively for arms, or wasted into useless prestige projects, or drained away into general or personal corruption. The misery and discontent of the common fugitive must be maintained at all cost.
- Israelis will push on with the building of settlements on stolen land, either ejecting Palestinians (if convenient) or simply throwing them into pens.
- The construction of walls and fences around Palestinian neighborhoods will increase twenty-fold, and the harassment of Palestinians must continue.
- Money received by Israelis from the EU, USA, or other donors, will be spent exclusively for arms, or wasted into useless prestige projects, or drained away into general or personal corruption. Moreover, Palestinian infrastructure and Palestinian prestige projects (paid by EU etc.) will be regularly destroyed in the course of "retaliation" measures so that fresh money can be requested.
Both sides agreed on similar, regular meetings in the future in order to wipe out any sort of peace initiative right from the start. Happy faces could be seen all around. "At last we could openly say what we want ourselves!" a Palestinian said. An Israeli added: "All those endless peace negotiations have been forced upon us by outsiders! All the time someone and his uncle show up and wish to play the peace negotiator! Did anyone ask us first?"
As the meeting concluded, to mark the beginning of the new plan, both sides drew their weapons and shot each other to death.