UnNews:Israeli settlement built in Manhattan
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Israeli settlement built in Manhattan
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 16, 2017, 13:10:UTC)(
20 February 2011
NEW YORK, New York --Renegade Israeli settlers opened up a new settlement in a large office tower in the heart of NYC's financial district. The operation, carried out overnight to minimize media attention, seemed to spring out of thin air. "It didn't bother us at first, the offices were empty, then they brought bricks and mortar and started walling us out. We complained but so far we haven't gotten any response from anyone" commented a confused neighbouring office worker. The new settlement occupies a previously empty office that hasn't been used since the economic meltdown.
As of now, neighbors are more baffled by the settlement than angry and the actual owner of the office cannot be found. The titled ownership of the office is difficult to explain as there are multiple owners deeding the office through various agencies and may in fact be a front business for other activities. The New York registry of deeds was asked for the ownership of the office but could not respond as there was some technical difficulty. A visit to the office prooved fruitless as their coffe break began the moment we arrived and ended the moment we left. A follow up phone call led to a friendly chit chat with an eager to please clerk (a first in known American bureaucratic history) but absolutly no information.
Minutes after its public discovery, Arab clerics denounced the move as provocative and typical of such settlement. "This office has been an integral part of Palestinian territory for centuries if not decades and its occupation is yet more evidence that these Zionist imperialists will take every last straw and push every red button, including in the New York financial district. We will not stop until we get the office back to its true and traditional owners" screamed a red raving man jumping up and down clearly discontent with the recent news. Muslim clerics are conscious of the difficulties in trying to do anything to stop it. "The NYC financial district is the most heavily guarded area in the world and any bearded Mediterranean, including Jewish settlers would have a hard time doing anything without raising suspicion. I have no clue how on earth they managed to get in there with no one noticing. Those sneaky colonial infiltrators pulled it off again" the distressed lunatic finished who eventually tired of screaming, gave up and went home.
"They wont find any way to get their office back, they know that no terrorist could get near that building, at least not by foot" opined Edward Said a rich and disinterested scholar bored by the news.
- President Obamah on news of the settlement
Elders of the new settlement deny that there is any link between the opening of the new office and its proximity to the headquarters of the US's largest banks. "We just have a yearning to be in touch with our homeland. Living in our ancestral home is one way of connecting ourselves with our faith. Being able to walk next door and have someone diversify my portfolio and hedge my derivatives is a secondary consideration, even tertiary. Its New York for Jesus sake, I mean, do you think we came here for the public school system?" commented an ordinary faithful Jewish settler on the synergy of stock indemnisation.
As of now, no one really knows what to do. Mayor Bloomberg was asked about his plan to deal with the new problem. "I'm not touching this one with rubber gloves on and a twenty yard stick, but no matter what happens, this is a great day for America" said the Mayor in poetical prose. President Obama, while questioned about America's recent veto of the UN resolution against Israeli settlements took a calm measured tone. "It has always been the position of the United States that it is not the place of the UN to make opinions about international relations and it is not a forum to bring about consensus and compromise. Such a motion would only encourage this and thus we voted against it which has always been our stand and will be mine" he said bashing America over the head once again with his "time for change" agenda. When informed about the recent Israeli settlement in New York, the president gave a rare and momentary pause taking a step back. "Who say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah?" The president then side stepped the issue and went on the encourage all other Arab states to continue its fight for democracy, equality and freedom as we all forgot about the new settlement.
News of the move sent stocks in raging disarray. Security firm bonds went up 900% while the price of oil doubled, then halved then went up and spiraled down before closing $0.01 above the previous days close. "The truth is, the market is shaky about this and the oil industry is confident about this uncertain shakiness leaving investors many chances to draw conclusions about the markets uncertain speculative future on oil and how the new Israeli settlement in Manhattan factors in the shakiness of it all, but yeah, clearly there is no visible change in the market".
Plans to expand into the neighbouring office are not denied by settlers. "What do you expect, we are 50 people in a Manhattan office, of course based on natural growth we will have to take over an office or two over the next few weeks, but again, no one's doing nothing with that space so how does that affect anyone?" cried a baby machine settler. Occupants of the new settlement are wasting no time on image control or public opinion. We are here doing what we were born to do, we are doers, you have to simply make a decision and do it instead of pussy-footing, which is as good as any reason to be anywhere, dance, sing and praise the joy in our heart" said a smiling mother with her boys in hand dancing. "Who has time for who owns what and who did whatever, have a peppermint patty and join us" as they continued celebrating into the night. Politicians spent the rest of the day having very long lunches, rather long dinners and extraordinarily long hair washing sessions and were thus unavailable for questioning.