UnNews:Israeli president accused of rape, opens fire during a press conference
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Israeli president accused of rape, opens fire during a press conference
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 17:32:UTC)(
25 January 2007
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Jerusalem, Israel -- Following the attorney general's decision to charge the Israeli president ,Moshe Katsav, with rape and and after weeks of contained anger, the president has yesterday decided to state his case before the nation in a press conference arranged by his press officer.
As the honorable president marched into the press room, the media and millions of citizens eagerly awaited him to admit his follies and his immediate resignation.
Alas, reality was quite different.
The president held his head high as he stood behind the podium and slowly moved his eyes, like a pair of spotlight across the eager audience. Several moments of uncomfortable silence passed until the president began his speech:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the press. Honorable guests. Citizens of Israel. I came here today to stand before you, as your president, as citizen number one of the state, as the de-jure leader of the state and to state my side of this affair."
"And I tell you this, citizens of Israel. I PISS ON YOU ALL. I piss on your graves. I piss on your puny lives. I piss on your wife and children. I piss on your graves again. I piss on your ancestors. I piss on your democracy and precious law system. I piss on the attorney general and I piss on the prime minister. I'm taking out my shlong out of my elegant suit and I wave it all around showering you with my piss. That is what I do. I piss. I hope you all enjoy getting drenched."
Amidst the shocked silence of the reporters the president smiled a slow smile moving his gaze around.
"As for the dear members of the press" continued the president "Who were so kind to bring this arduous affair to light, I have yet another message". And with that the president dropped the microphone and pulled a hidden Uzi submachine gun from behind the podium and opened fire while screaming:"HOW DO YOU LIKE THE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS NOW?! EH?! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEWS BULLETINS, YOUR SPECIAL REPORTS YOUR INTERVIEWS AND YOUR NICE DARK ARMANI SUITS EH?!"