UnNews:Israeli minister convicted of kissing woman

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3 February 2007

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A SMOKE-FILLED KIBBUTZ, Israel -- Israeli Minister of Justice, Haim Ramon, was convicted Wednesday for an obscene sexual act according to stature 1785B of the penal code: "kissing a woman using tongue".

Our experts in international law explain that Israel is a very conservative nation, and that this law deems premarital kisses between men and women as obscene sexual acts. However, a kiss on the cheek, forehead or using only lips is permitted by law, and the use of tongue is required for a conviction. The law was originally passed by the Israeli Knesset in 1994 to as part of a coalition agreement with ultra orthodox parties.

However, for 12 years no one was ever charged with such an offence and most Israelis claim that this law was never taken seriously and is not upheld by most of the population,

"If shoving my tongue is a criminal offence than I should get a life sentence" Joked an Israeli youngster. "We are a very liberal country that even supports gay rights, that law is a joke written on a piece of paper".

But Israeli prosecution dose not take this kind of offence lightly, a minister should be held to higher standards. After hearing rumors of this scandal, two high ranking police officers arrested the woman that was complicit to Ramon's transgression. This woman "H" was then brought to Israel from Guatemala by the mossad. After days of interrogation, she finally confessed that Ramon did use his tongue and broke the law.

All through the trial, Ramon claimed the charges are absurd. He claimed that there was no use of tongue, and that "H" initiated the kiss. He farther suggests that this "witch hunt" was initiated because of reforms he intended to make in the judicial system, including the method of appointing judges. He claimed that using such a charge to bring down a public official in a liberal society is a threat to democracy. The verdict delivered Wednesday made many members of the judicial system breathe a sigh of relief.

Ramon1

I did not use tongue, honest!

"This court's decision proves without a doubt that there was no conspiracy against Mr. Ramon, judges are known for their objectivity and no one can possibly claim they are part of a conspiracy by the judicial system" said the prosecutor.

The 7000 pages long verdict disassembles every line of defense set by Ramon's lawyers. Dozens of Ramon's character witnesses were ignored after it was deemed that "their testimony can't be considered by logic". They accepted prosecutor's claims that Ramon's denials of using his tongue actually prove that he indeed use it. The judges also decided that despite her giving him a hug, giving him her number and asking him to go with her to Costa Rica, there was no way that "H" initiated the kiss itself, because "the evidence contradict with that version", they elaborated by explaining that "H" is a pretty young woman and Ramon is old and not a handsome man. Woman magazines that titled him "best looking man in Parliament" for 20 years running tend to disagree.

"This is not a sexual harassment charge, there is no issue of consent, it is about who shoved his tongue to who's mouth. It is that simple!" explained one of the convicting judges.

The credibility of prosecutor's chief character witness, ultra orthodox clerk Rebecca Valoch, was highly praised. The judges use her testimony as proof of the corrupted sexual behavior in the minister's office.

"Here in the office everyone kisses everyone; I've seen ministers kissing female ministers, ministers kissing help, on the cheek, on the hand even on the lips!" Rebecca outcried.


Many civil rights issues that were raised during the trial were finally laid to rest. The secret phone tapings, the hiding of evidence from Ramon's lawyers and the gruesome torture of "H" that got her to confess the kissing, were all, according to judges, a tad beet extreme, but appropriate to such a severe charge.

In unrelated news, former chief justice Ahron Barak appointment of his mistress Dorith Bainish as his replacement was finally affirmed. As her first act in office, the judges and prosecutors in Ramon's trial were appointed to the federal bench.

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