UnNews:Israel ponders response to Delta Chi flotilla
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Israel ponders response to Delta Chi flotilla
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 19:25:UTC)(
6 January 2009
Tel Aviv, Israel.
Israeli officials are continuing to debate the appropriate response to the flotilla of Palestinian aid which disembarked from New York last Thursday, manned by members of the American college fraternity Delta Chi.
"It puts us in an awkward position," said one Israeli official on condition of anonymity, "because while Israel must protect the sovereignty of its borders, we cannot risk damaging our military alliance with the United States."
The aid flotilla was the brainchild of Richard Morris, president of the Cornell University chapter of Delta Chi.
"It's like this, bro," explained Morris. "We learned that Palestinians are being, like, fucking oppressed. And we said, nuh-uh, that's bullshit. So we got a bunch of our dads' boats, and we loaded them up with porn and beer and shit, because we learned the Israelites don't even let the Palestinian guys have, like, a brew and something to jack off to, you know?"
"Dudes, don't worry, we're coming with porn!" yelled an unidentified shirtless fraternity member from the starboard bow, waving a magazine above his head.
The nature of the aid flotilla has also perplexed Israel and confounded their response.
"Obviously, the aid in question is deeply offensive to the Palestinians and their culture," said the Israeli official. "So there's a school of thought among some government officials that we should just let the flotilla go through. They'll probably just burn it all, anyway."
"Of course, then they'll probably try to hurl it all over the West Bank barrier," he added, "and then we'll have to explain to our citizens why flaming copies of Barely Legal are being rained down upon them. And, ultimately, everyone is going to think this is our fault. They always do. Oy vey."
For now, Israel has tentatively greenlit the military intersect maneuver Operation Jewboobs, in which a cruiser manned by two hundred topless female Israeli soldiers will make contact with the flotilla and attempt to party with them.
"With any luck, the soldiers will distract and arouse these idiots enough that when they wake up tomorrow morning, they'll be so hung-over that they'll kind of forget what they were doing and turn around," expained the official.