UnNews:Israel expands Gaza offensive
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Israel expands Gaza offensive
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 12:13 (UTC)
6 January 2009
Israeli forces have widened their attacks, it was reported today. Unfortunately the Gaza strip is only 20 miles by 4 miles therefore the IDF have expanded their offensive to include the West Lothian region of Scotland.
Militants in West Lothian have frequently violated a 2005 ceasefire agreement by continuing to fire rockets into neighbouring Lanarkshire.
An Israeli Defence Force (IDF) spokesman said:
"We wanted to expand our Gaza offensive but we simply ran out of room. I therefore got my young son Bennie, oy he is such a beautiful and clever child, to stick a pin in the atlas and we came up with West Lothian. The IDF has therefore extended the Gaza brand to include this part of Scotland. Airborne attacks started at 03:00 hours this morning and will continue until the towns of Armadale and Bathgate are raised to the ground or the West Lothian question has been answered, whichever comes first"
Hamas are reported to be delighted with their new and somewhat inexplicable territorial acquisitions, and have issued a statement saying:
"West Lothian will be a graveyard for Israelis".
"What the fuck?"
An unexpected side effect of Israel's action is that the West Lothian question seems to be, if not answered, rendered largely irrelevant and because of this (and not liking that slimy Salmond fellow) there has been widespread support for Israel's action amongst British politicians, with the general consensus being that no-one cares.
David Cameron denied that he was jumping on a populist band-wagon when at a press conference he said:
"We fully support Israel and the actions of the IDF and hope that they will press on and wipe Glasgow off the map".
By: Unnews staff reporter, Palestinian State of West Scotland