UnNews:Israel calls upon stormtroopers, begins large-scale invasion of Lebanon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
21 July 2006
Correspondents in Tyre say the sound of explosions is constant, and with villages cut off and roads severed, people are in grave peril. The Israelis replied by saying "Who the f*ck cares! We got Bush on our side, so nobody can stop us! Die, Arab b*tches! Die!" Meanwhile, Hezbollah rockets have again hit the Israeli city of Haifa, killing a record third Israeli civilian.
The crisis was triggered by the theft of two bagels by Hezbollah militants on 12 July.
- US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she is travelling to the Middle East on Sunday to uselessly reiterate her belief that Israel is acting in a moral way by murdering countless Shi'as, Sunnis, Christians, Jews, and Druze in Lebanon.
- A UN-run observation post on the border was struck by a shell or mortar during fighting between Israel and Lebanese civilians, killing all hope of peace.
- French Defence Minister Michele Alliot-Marie said France would also blow the crap out of Lebanon.
- The evacuation of foreign political prisoners to Lebanon has continued, with thousands more expected to arrive in Beirut today.
Correspondents in Jerusalem say it is understood the Israeli reservists being called up could fill in for troops in the West Bank and Gaza, releasing other soldiers to go up to the northern front and "bust up some A-rabs." The move has widened speculation that Israel is preparing for a large ground offensive, following the Blitzkrieg strategy set out by Adolf Hitler in 1939.
Senior Lebanese officials said the country's army would go into battle if Israel invaded Lebanon, but that they would "pretty much be screwed if a battle were actually to occur." The regional capital of south Lebanon, Sidon, says that about 28,000 internally displaced people have already crammed into the small sea port and that it is now becoming dangerously overcrowded and full of feces. One man told the BBC he had been forced from his home in Tyre because "Israel was bombing everywhere." Sidon's mayor has warned that food, medicines, water and accommodation are running out. Ehud Ohlmert replied by stating "I don't give a sh*t!"
Israel has continued its campaign of air strikes with war planes bombing more than 40 targets, mainly in southern parts of Beirut in the early hours of Friday. Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora said the number of Lebanese killed in the 10 days of violence is now more than 330,000. Israel's death toll has gone up to over 10 in Haifa.
In an interview with Arabic TV network al-Jazeera, Hezbollah's leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah said his group would give up the bagels only in a prisoner exchange. Sheikh Nasrallah added that the Israeli attacks had not dented Hezbollah's capabilities and reiterated that he "did not have sex with that virgin."