UnNews:Israel brokers peace between Hamas and Fatah
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Israel brokers peace between Hamas and Fatah
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 03:28:UTC)(
21 June 2007
JERUSALEM, Israel -- Israel announced today that it has successfully brokered a peace agreement between Hamas and Fatah. The announcement was made by Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert at The Dome of the Rock, Jerusalem.
"For so long we Israel have sought to end the war and hatred between us and the Palestinians, but we have never in our wildest imagination envision that peace is more desperately needed amongst the Palestinian peoples themselves. Today, I am glad to proclaim we have achieved that [latter] milestone", Mr Olmert said. Mr Olmert was flanked by Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Hamas Political Bureau Chairman Khaled Mashal, both of whom promptly hugged each other in tears as the Palestinian crowds celebrated by shooting their AK-47s into the air (and sacrificing a couple of birds in the process).
Under the auspices of the Israeli government, intense talks had been carried out in the past few days between high-ranking representatives from the two rival Palestinian organizations, Hamas and Fatah.
According to diplomats familiar with the peace process, there were certain tense moments when the peace deal seemed incredibly remote. One diplomat noted that, at one point, Mr Mashal accused Mr Abbas of stealing his fourth and "most submissive" wife last year. "She had an incredible rack, I mean... she was very holy," Mashal wistfully said, to which Mr Abbas responded simply by showing his finger, pointing to his crotch and saying, "She got this from me." Unexpectedly, both men ended up laughing when neither could recall her name.
Under the terms of the peace agreement, both Hamas and Fatah have agreed to end all hostilities between each other. However, unlike most peace agreements, there will not be any disarmament in this deal. Instead, both sides vowed to support arms escalation and have agreed to re-channel their hatred and animosity towards Israel.
As part of the deal, both Hamas and Fatah promise to ratchet up their illegal arms smuggling and legal arms purchases respectively, seek and/or develop weapons of mass destruction, recruit more fanatical suicide bombers, brainwash their children, dogs and cats to hate Israel, and last but not least, commit their entire existence to the ultimate destruction of Israel. Surprisingly, both Israel and the U.S. gave full and tacit approval to this agreement.
“Collective Jewish thirst”
Mr Olmert said that the past few months of fighting between Hamas and Fatah have “awakened the Israeli national consciousness” and in a sense, revealed the "collective Jewish thirst" for global fixation.
“Two months into the Palestinian in-fighting, we were wondering if they [Palestinians] have started to forget about us? Quite honestly, we missed the attention. Then, the truth hits us like a Qassam rocket... we realized that our obsession with global attention is greater than our abhorrence for Palestinians, even for all the suicide attacks they have carried out.” During the Gaza crisis, there were reports of numerous Israeli IDF soldiers and undercover Mossad operatives committing suicide or abandoning their posts due to boredom and/or the loss of sense of purpose. Several senior members of the Israeli Parliament - the Knesset - were seriously considering emigrating to Iraq and becoming Iraqi citizens since Iraqis are the focus of worldwide concern nowadays. Even the Israeli Prime Minister himself was so close to changing his last name to Hilton to garner some attention.
In one unusual incident, in a desperate move to remind the Palestinians of the little Satan - Israel, a rogue unit of the elite IDF Sayaret commandos sneaked into Gaza amidst the fighting and forced the wives of Hamas and Fatah commanders to do (telephone) pole dances while dressed in clean burkas in broad daylight. However, the Palestinian men were too busy fighting each another to even care.
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was present at the talks to show American support for the peace plan. "It really saddens George - - I mean he really goes into a funk - - every time he reads about civilians suffering when the two factions fight in Gaza, and so when Ehud called and told us about their plan to mediate a peace deal between the two factions, we immediately gave our full backing," said Ms Rice.
She acknowledges that this peace deal will undoubtedly embolden the global jihadist movement and weaken the American war on terror, but she shrugged, “Israel really wanted this deal so much; as their best buddies, what else can we do but support them? Isn’t this what buddies are for?”
The Dome of the Rock was specifically chosen as the site of the peace talks, in hopes that the third holiest site in Islam will remind the two fighting Palestinian brothers of their common bond and kinship in the Prophet Mohammed.