UnNews:Israel admits involvement in shark attacks
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Israel admits involvement in shark attacks
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 14:58:UTC)(
9 December 2010
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TEL AVIV, Israel -- Having originally dismissed claims that they were behind recent shark attacks in the Red Sea as "too ludicrous" for comment, the Israeli Government - highly unusually letting the world know what they're really up to and still claiming that the original attack was nothing to do with them - has admitted they are indeed responsible for many of those that have taken place subsequently. However, they emphasise that later attacks did not involve sharks.
Speaking at a press conference in Tel Aviv, Commander Dori Loml of the Israeli
assassination experts secret intelligence service Mossad told reporters: "Oy, even a complete goyishe kopf knows sharks aren't kosher - so why would we be schlepping them around the Middle East for such a purpose? It's just lekherlekh."
"When we heard we were being blamed for the attack, it seemed so yutzi we just ignored it. But then, one or two of our top boffins came to me with an idea that maybe we could use something similar to our own ends."
Knesset spokespersons say that the idea looked set to be a non-starter at first, since military bosses were unable to think of anything quite as fearsome as a shark that is kosher. Eventually, scientists who are definitely not employed at any sort of top secret genetic modification laboratory, which doesn't exist anyway and absolutely isn't located in the same remote area of the Negev desert as any covert nuclear weapon bases (which also don't exist, and if anyone says they do they'd better not visit Dubai any time soon) came up with a viable - and, crucially, kosher - solution. Using a combination of DNA splicing, radioactive materials and cooking methods known only to a few very elderly bubbes who can make a couple of ounces of fish feed an entire family, they were able to create something so terrifying it's likely to usher in a dark new age in warfare - an enormous, man-eating jar of schmaltz herring.
"We trained the herring to attack German women and suspected Hamas operatives," explained Commander Loml, "and then we released it into the Red Sea just down the road from Eilat one night when nobody was looking. It took just 12 hours to swim to Sharm el Sheikh, and once there immediately proceeded with its mission. Let this be considered sufficient warning to all those who hate Israel - and that means most of you - that if you seek to destroy us we will carry out pre-emptive strikes in order to neutralise any threat we may face."