UnNews:Israel Purchases Two Nuclear-Capable Dolphins
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25 August 2006
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BEN GUIRION, Israel -- With the purchase of two fully trained nuclear-capable bottlenose dolphins, Israel clearly states that it will not be intimidated by Iran's constant threats of absolute destruction.
The dolphins, Twinky and Popeye, were trained in a top-secret German wave pool designed to guarantee their success in any offensive or defensive operation. The animals possess incredible degrees of strength, agility, and intelligence.
"These creatures are the most efficient killing machines that we have had the pleasure of training," stated Frau Liebenheimer, head trainer, after fitting a W-87 Peacekeeper missile onto Twinky's back. "There is no chance of them being detected by enemy destroyers, their special training will allow them to kill any shark in sight, and they will not be caught in fishing nets," she said as Twinky flipped out of the water and did a double backflip, seemingly unhindered by the 15-megaton missile strapped on to her.
Israeli military strategist Paul Beaver has commented on the dolphins' future role in the continuing Middle Eastern conflict. "First and foremost, the dolphins would easily be able to intercept incoming missiles. They will be armed with MIRs-Missile Intercepting Rockets which are more then capable of defending Israel from nuclear attack. Should the MIR fail and fall into the ocean, the dolphins themselves can stop the missile, though this would most likely kill them. The most remarkable thing, however, is that the dolphins are able to launch missiles by themselves and of their own accord. If they felt that Iran was even considering an attack, they would attack first and prevent a future crisis."
The United Nations Security Counsil has urged Israel to dismantle and disarm the dolphins, based on the argument that faulty judgement may be exercised on their behalf and a nuclear holocaust initiated. Israel replied to the claims by saying, "We trust the German training."
PETA has brought up an entirely different argument, claiming that arming dolphins and expecting them to "get in the way of nuclear missiles" was highly unethical and cruel. Several disgruntled PETA members marched near the West Wall in Jerusalem, until Israeli officials threatened to strap rockets to the protestors' backs and deploy them in the Red Sea. PETA has submitted no further complaints.
Iranian officials were unavailable for comment. However, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was believed to have said, "These Jewish fishes do not frighten us. Now go away, we have Uranium to enrich."