UnNews:Israel Goes Medieval on Hezbollah's Ass
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Israel Goes Medieval on Hezbollah's Ass
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 08:11:UTC)(
13 August 2006
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TEL AVIV, Israel (city of sins) -- Following an infuriating smug interview of Israeli Defense Forces chief Lt. General Dan Halutz, the Israeli hot tempered defense minister, Amir Peretz promptly gave him the boot. "I've had enough of him", declared Peretz. "Time for a real man to lead our armed forces.And so, I've asked the notorious mafia boss and infamous gangsta Marsellus Wallace to lead the Israeli armed forces hence forth".
Following his surprising nomination to head the IDF Lt. Gen. Wallace stated in a phone interview, "I think you are gonna find, when this shit is over... I think you're gonna find yourself one smilin' motherfucker. The thing is Nasrallah, right now, he's got ability. But painful as it may be, ability don't last. And his days are just about over. Now that's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life. But it's a fact of life his ass is gonna hafta get realistic about. See this business is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers. Motherfuckers who thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it doesn't. Besides Hassan, how many fights you think you got left in you anyway? Two? Guerrillas don't have an "old timer's pension." You came close, but you never made it, and if you were gonna make it, you woulda made it before now."
When asked by UnNews what is going to happen once Wallace assumes command, he replied, "What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a couple of hard, pipe-hittin' niggas to go to work on the Hezbollah here with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. You hear me talkin' Nasrallah? I ain't through with you by damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass... Two things: One, don't ever violate UN resolution 1559. This thing here is between me, you and mister "soon to be living the rest of his short-ass life in agonizing pain" guerilla here. Two, you leave Lebanon tonight, and when you're gone, you STAY gone or you'll BE gone. You lost all your Lebanon privileges."
In the same matter, General Julles was heard saying, over a dinner of wholesome burgers, "Normally, the Hezbollah's sorry asses would be deader than fucking fried chicken by now, but they happened to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill them, I wanna help them. But I can't give them what they want, it doesn't belong to me. This is what we in the gangsta business call a pair of ducks".
General Vega's only comment was, "Nasrallah's dead, baby. Nasrallah's dead. That's all I've got to say".