UnNews:Is the Electronic Hooker (eHo) the future of sex?
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Is the Electronic Hooker (eHo) the future of sex?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 19:28:UTC)(
26 June 2013
SILICONE VALLEY, Japan -- The case for electronic hookers or ‘eHos’ has recently grabbed the attention of people worldwide. But are they really a healthier and cheaper alternative to traditional prostitutes? Playboys and horn dogs now say you can enjoy a cheaper, healthier shag without the bad smells, sloppy-seconds, sour attitudes, or STD causing germs. With these huge claims being tossed about we thought, “hubba hubba” and decided to investigate the electronic sluts for our readers.
We first researched exactly what expert medical doctors and product users had to say about eHos, and the results were hardly surprising. In fact, Yumi Amada, Chair of the STD Task Force for the Banzai Association of Public Safety, concluded that, “If we get all people to switch from regular whores to electronic or eHos, we would eventually reduce the birth toll from more than 400,000,000 a year to less than 40, maybe as low as 4.” Amada also suggested that while utilizing the eHos, there is virtually no risk of getting AIDS.
These conclusions come from studies, which show that eSex is about as harmless to your health as mental-masturbation. The real harm in traditional sex comes from the bad attitude of the human sluts and the countless germs living thereupon. Four very well known doctors from popular TV show “The eNurses”, have also studied the electronic hookers, which were featured as one of the top 10 collectivist birth control thingamabobs.
Following are some of the advantages they discovered with eHos:
- Non-drinker, so no tar, tobacco, carbon monoxide, ash or alcohol breath to tolerate.
- Non-thinker, so no awkward moments after sex (such as having to answer the question, “so, what does this mean?”)
- Non-stinker, so no more sloppy seconds because the devices have sterile-vaporized full-body molecular auto douche functions)
- Non-blinker, so no weariness or headaches. Being electronic you get the same amount of fun as you would from a fresh slut pulling her first trick of the evening, every time.
Other advantages they discovered include:
- Cheaper: Each shag costs less than $2 and is equivalent to an entire bareback session.
- Economical: Average consumer can expect to save over $10,000 each year.
- Variety: Different flavors are available, including cream soda and Marmite.
- And, best of all, no more post-sexual demands for attention.
“If you're one of the millions of people out there who're addicted to sex but hate the consequences, there may finally be some hope for you: the electronic hooker. It affords you sexual satisfaction but it doesn’t give you any lip nor any of the 4 billion germs that can cause STDs. Nor cause worse problems, especially unwanted pregnancies and the subsequent over population the United Nations is working secretly to alleviate”- admitted Dr. Travis Stork, chairman of the Agenda 21 program.
The eHo is also not encompassed by prostitution bans and regulations, so sex fiends are excited to find that many businesses, bars, and even airplanes allow them to shag eHos, indoors or even outdoors. Many electronic hooker users have also received special permission from their employers to enjoy eHos in the work place during lunch breaks. In the United States alone, over 700,000 potential tricks have already switched to eHos.
The Doctors also interviewed Beverly, one of the many whose life has dramatically changed thanks to the electronic whore program. She said that she didn’t even exist before, and she thought that she never would. To her surprise, though, when she was created as an electronic hooker she was able to come alive and be animated. “I was suspicious at first, but I have to say I am convinced, it's very good. It's a great alternative to not existing at all.”– Beverly confided to the public.
Dr. Stork also said, “We have received a number of positive testimonials and we feel that as more Americans are made aware of this new Japanese technology, they will make the switch. Our research has found that the electronic whore will quickly become the #1 choice for people looking to lead a healthier lifestyle,” said Dr Stork, “we give our recommendation and thumbs up to anyone looking to give these devices a try.”
- Staff Repeater "Is The Electronic Cigarette Healthy? Can This Be The Future of Smoking?". Daily Consumer Alert, June 26, 2013