|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
22 January 2011
The disturbing disappearance of bees has been headline news throughout Europe and North America, where pundits are blaming pesticides, genetically modified crops, global warming, and President Obama for what is now known as 'colony collapse disorder.' Britain has seen a 90 per cent decline in its bee population, and 'black market' hives are selling at inflated prices to desperate farmers.
Researchers from Southern New Hampshire University claim to have found the cause: They have established that the presence of same-sex couples is a key factor in the phenomenon, and say that it may interfere with the bees' navigation senses.
They set up a controlled experiment in Manchester earlier this year, comparing the behavior and productivity of bees in two hives: one located in a rapidly gentrifying community, the other located in a conservative suburb near a recently redecorated 'dummy' house.
After a few months, the researchers recorded a dramatic reduction in the number of eggs laid by the queen bee. Unlike her counterpart in the normal hive, the queen bee in the 'gentrified' hive had in fact produced no eggs at all. They also saw a large number of worker bees becoming lost while returning to the hive bearing nectar, as if they had become confused about their orientation.
According to the report in the journal Debatable Science: "Decrease in respect for the sanctity of marriage due to same-sex unions has led to homopollution of the environment. Honeybees displayed confusion because these insects use sunlight and magnetic fields for navigation, and have no gaydar. The bees also stopped producing honey, which we will probably also be able to blame on gay marriage eventually.
"A significant decline in colony strength and in the egg laying rate of the queen was observed. Upon closer inspection, to our disgust, we found that the 'queen' bee was actually a flamboyantly dressed worker male. As all worker bees are female, and all male bees are drones with the sole purpose in life of fertilising the queen's eggs, this confused bee is probably on the fast track to personal extinction. The behavior of exposed foragers was negatively influenced by the lack of respect for the marriage institution, and there was neither honey nor pollen in the colony at the end of the experiment, probably because the colony was waiting for a handout from the government."
Tim Lovett, of the British Beekeepers Association, disagrees. He says that hives have been successful in London where "there is certainly no shortage of gays, believe me." He said, "At the moment we think the cause is more likely to be a combination of other factors including high tax rates and liberalism."
"If true" says professor Humphnagelson "it could stifle public support for our secret project that addresses the threat of killer bees to U.S. citizens via a sinister mix of bee-condoms and state-sponsored bee-porn. For the bees, that is."
Rush Limbaugh, honey aficionado, said "This is about destroying an institution!"
A Hollywood wino countered (and drowned out) his argument with the remark: "I never dreamt it would tourn out to be the bees - they've always been our friend." before being escorted to his limousine.
- Dean Nelson "Mobile phones responsible for disappearance of honey bee". The Telegraph, May 29, 2010