UnNews:Ironic t-shirt fails to attract women
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Ironic t-shirt fails to attract women
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, April 29, 2017, 04:55:UTC)(
9 December 2006
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"I am severely disappointed," said Smitherson today, "I really thought this one would pull off." Smitherson, 29, works 5 days a week managing a Canton Denny's outlet, and lives with his room-mate Charles Crimwelt in a Canton apartment complex.
"I was really behind him on this one," remarked Crimwelt, 34, "he put a lot of thought into it. He's tried everything to get the chicks since he moved to Canton. He even went out and bought this, like, mega expensive Hyundai. That didn't help, either." Earlier attempts at attracting women saw Smitherson grow a mullet, purchase a full bright green Adidas track suit, and appear in a commercial for pet insurance. His attractiveness to the opposite sex, however, has not been changed by his attempts.
"So, I came up with this idea for an ironic t-shirt, because I thought, like, it works for all the rock stars, right? I'm alternative too, you know, and I wanted to show the ladies that. I have all the Pavement albums on CD" said Smitherson, "So I went out to Hot Topic and asked for their most ironic, hip t-shirt. The clerk got me this one."
After wearing the shirt non-stop for three weeks, however, Smitherson discovered it had not helped in attracting women. A total of 5 females spoke with Smitherson over the course of the three weeks, all who said that they only did so if it was 'completely necessary'. "I asked him if my Dennys coupons were any good," said Sasha Jenkins, 23, "and before he answered my question, he was all like, 'do you want them to be good here?'. So I was like, 'duh', and he was all like, 'alriiiight', and then he winked at me."
For now, Smitherson is looking to the future. "I have a new idea," said Smitherson, "I'm going to replace all my CDs with Vinyl copies. That'll attract the hot hipster chicks. If there are any in Ohio, anyway."