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13 June 2008
Dublin, Ireland - Irish voters seem to have completely misunderstood the intention of yesterday's vote on the EU adhesion contract. While government, church, unions and even breweries encouraged every Irishman to vote "yes" most of them stubbornly marked their ballots "no".
Experts are thoroughly perplexed by this strange, perhaps even suspicious behaviour. Some say that language problems are responsible and demand another vote where "Yes" and "No" not only appear in English, but also in Gaelic and Blarish (the Oxford-recognized drunken slur dialect), to make it easy to comprehend for every regional voting demographic. Others suggest to leave out the "No" box entirely to make the vote's intentions crystal clear. Even others suggest to take drastic measures against the dissenters themselves. "When the Irish are the only people in Europe who get the chance to vote on this treaty, they should pull themselves together and vote accordingly" an angered EU official suggested.
European politicians are still begrudging the Irish result. German chancellor Angela Merkel and swarthy French playboy Nicolas Sarkozy demanded (in choral unison) strong measures to rescue the treaty of Lisbon upon which they worked prior to the startling Irish decision. "People in Europe need to understand that there are two options: either they are pro-Europe or they are shut up" Merkel stated adamantly (mentally beckoning to the fond memories of her last audience with George W. Bush). "We need a Europe led by a small elite class of professional nitpickers and officials appointed by back room agreements, not a Europe which is always disturbed by the inconvenient opinion of the commoners (or constituants as some prefer). Do I really need to explain this over and over again? What idiot had the idea to put this treaty to vote in the first place? Was it someone Icelandic?"
Merkel and Sarkozy proposed an Ireland ultimatum: if Ireland does not ratify the treaty in some way (preferably the aforementioned "yes" vote) within 24 hours, a trade embargo will be issued. Irish beer, butter, and whiskey will be subject to boycott, and all telephone lines to Irish call centers will be cut. In addition, Irish women will not be able to work on redhead fetish adult entertainment projects in any EU country (including the hub of redhead fetish web traffic, Austria). If these measures do not work, Ireland will be towed away to some remote location between Newfoundland and Greenland, where it will be left to rot outside the bounds of the EU. British prime minister Gordon Brown was discreetly asked if he wished to unhitch Northern Ireland first but respectfully declined.
If the treaty cannot be rescued in any way, Merkel and Sarkozy have other plans on reserve. Instead of a half-legitimate European central government, they will seek to create an underground global government, consisting of powerful multinational corporations, secret fraternal orders and billionaire families. The US administration commented: "Those two are always a step behind. It seems Mrs Merkel slept through our last Bilderberger conference."