UnNews:Irish Duckists rebel
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Irish Duckists rebel
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, September 26, 2016, 22:35:UTC)(
2 February 2007
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BALLYDUCK, South Armagh, Ireland - Today the leaders of the Duckist fundamentalists in Ireland, Seán Fearon and Niall McCann, announced that they were beginning a rebellion against what they called "the imperialist and oppressive force that is The Church of Duck". They spent today preparing for battle, and rallying up support. This morning the world Duckist population was lower than 110: by the end of the day though, there were over 500 members.
The Church of Duck has had a bad history with the Duckists. The Church was formed in 1765, during the worst years of the war between the Duckist extremists and the Robot Nazis. Soon after its formation, the church destroyed duckism in it's national home, Duckistan, weakening their forces so badly that they lost the war.
From then on duckism only existed on the remote island of Kragen, in tens.
But in 2005, An Cumann Duckism na Éireann (The Duckism Club of Ireland) was established by three unknown bat fuck insane Duckist extremists in Ballyduck, Ireland, the Church of Duck's capital in that country.
Over the next two years membership increased veeeery slowly, and by the new year 2007, it had about 50 members.
Fearon and McCann have not used their new forces to attack the Irish Church of Duck yet, but they say that they are preparing troops, and waiting for the right time, when the Church in Ireland is weakened.
"Our first goal," said Seán Fearon today, "is to take back Ireland, and to give Duckists the first country to be truly proud of since 1765. Our second goal is that once we have established Ireland as a truly Duckist country, we will have the power to establish Duckist outposts in neighbouring countries, such as England, Scotland, Wales and France. Once we do this we shall hopefully recapture those countries, and establish them as Duckist."
"By then we shall have the power to invade Germany, one of the main countries belonging to the Church. This will most likely cause war between us and the Church of Duck, and possibly the Robot Nazis]. This war is inevitable, and it is very likely that we will lose it, but if we win, if we win my dear followers, we shall reclaim Germany, Poland and then, our long-lost home: Duckistan." finished vice-president of the Duckists in Ireland, Niall McCann.
President of the Duckists in Ireland, who for now are nameless, Seán Fearon, explained why recruitment and re-establishment of the Duckists in Ireland was so important: "people of Ireland, my friends and enemies, family, I urge you to join our reviving force, Duckists. We need to reclaim this country, before we can continue with any secondary objectives. Tell me, dear followers, how many troops, how powerful an army would it take to reclaim Ireland, to invade England, and to return home, to Duckistan? Exactly, a lot. So I plead with you to join us and join our forces, so we can crush the imperialist and oppressive force that is The Church of Duck, and reclaim our former glory!"
It was during these two speeches, and during a rally session that lasted all day and night, that Duckist numbers went from 100 to 500. There are 32 counties in Ireland, and out of these only one is now declared completely Duckist, and this progess is incredible, maybe we should think about what it would be like if and when the Church of Duck is wiped out, and Duckists ruled the world?
We will report on this story as it develops.