UnNews:Iraqi WMDs Hidden With Hoffa's Body, Government Claims
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Iraqi WMDs Hidden With Hoffa's Body, Government Claims
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 21:05 (UTC)
23 May 2006
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(Milford Township, Michigan) As FBI agents entered their sixth day of digging at a remote Michigan farm, the US government is now saying that the elusive Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction are surely stashed with Jimmy Hoffa's body at the location. Although UN weapons inspectors, as well as Interpol detectives have swept the site months ago finding no trace of either WMDs or Hoffa, Bush remains confident.
"It's all part of Saddam's evil schemes," he contends. "He must have been involved in the whole teamsters mafia business back in the 70s, and hid his nuclear weapons along with Hoffa's body after he killed him." In response to a reporter's question, the president confirmed, "That's right - I believe Saddam killed Jimmy Hoffa. That evildoer!"
Investigators and forensic scientists have been digging for almost a week now, but nothing of significance has yet been found. "We did find some rusty horseshoes and what looks like an old bottle of liquor, but we don't believe those are related," said a spokesperson. But aides to Bush were quick to point out that the horseshoes are so-called "dual-use" items, which could be used to manufacture weapons of mass destruction. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld claimed that, "All you have to do is melt them down, and then recast the horseshoes into a bomb casing - and voila - a WMD!"
Meanwhile, critics are skeptical of the alleged link between Hoffa and Saddam. The theory originally came from interviews with Iraqi informant "curveball," who has since been discredited by European intelligence. The name of the farm “Hidden Dreams” was also suspicious. “It sounds like something, or someone, might be hidden there,” deduced new CIA director Hayden.
Owners of the farm were unreachable for comment. Under condition of anonymity, an FBI agent said they have been shipped of to the Guantanamo prison. White House spokesman Tony Snow would "neither confirm nor deny" the allegation.
Retired Teamsters leaders are also skeptical Hoffa's remains would be found at the farm. "Everyone knows he's buried at Giants Stadium," said one member, "how do we know? Well... I can't tell you that." A number of others present at the interview chuckled, with one elderly gentleman making a slashing motion at his throat.
Republicans pre-emptively say that invading the farm, destroying a barn there, and evicting the residents, will still have been worth it even if neither the WMDs nor Hoffa are ever found. "Liberating horses is a worthy goal in its own right," asserted Secretary of State Rice. "Freedom is on the march!" excitedly added Vice President Cheney. Halliburton has already been given a no-bid contract for providing equipment and food for the FBI agents on site.
Legendary moustached investigative reporter Geraldo, who helped unveil Al Capone's so-called vault on a live TV special, has already been called in for support.
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