UnNews:Unsportsmanlike:Iraq found to be safer than Ohio
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Unsportsmanlike:Iraq found to be safer than Ohio
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 24, 2017, 11:10:UTC)(
15 November 2006
Washington, DC The United States State Department announced that this coming weekend, the city of Columbus, Ohio was put on "Scarlet alert," in preparation for the upcoming game between the Michigan Wolverines and the Ohio State Buckeyes.
Michigan fans were especially warned, as the State Department has found traces of Weapons of Mass Destruction within the city streets. These weapons were different from others in that they were disguised as comfy couches, although they are used in such a way that unsuspecting terrorists can sneak up and burn them, throwing them into the street and causing chaos. Two years ago, five buildings burned down as a result of this chaos, and this year the number is only expected to increase, as Michigan and Ohio State face each other without a scratch.
It was hinted that these weapons were placed in very strategic spots by the leader of the terrorists and Buckeye leader, Jim Tressel.
Tressel, however, declined that he placed them there. "I'm trying to reform our army so that we fight together as a unit instead of random chaos," Tressel's news channel, Al-Baqey released. However, rumors have leaked that Tressel himself lead a dancing ritual in an evil cult that took place at the St. John Arena, where Tressel trained terrorists personally.
UN weapons inspectors also discovered a biological weapon entitled "Lauranitis," which has already spread like the plague in cities around America. However, Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr and co-captain Lamarr Woodley stated that they had discovered the secret to Lauranitis. "As long as you have a healthy Hart, Lauranitis should be no threat. And we have a healthy Hart."
Regardless, Michigan fans will attempt to invade anyway. They were told to prepare for the worst, and thus are going down in full protective gear. Many are too afraid. "I'd rather be in Iraq," one said. Iraq immediately jumped on this bandwagon, inviting all people to come with their new slogan: Iraq: At least we're not Ohio!" Many Muslims (which make up the majority of the Michigan population) immediately took up on Iraq's offer and decided to go there instead of Ohio. Many of them were killed, but one of them said "I'd rather be killed by a Wahabbi than a Buckeye."
The government, however, was not willing to do anything about it. "[Michigan and Ohio State] fight long, long wars that usually end up with most of both sides dying anyway, so we're not getting involved." Michigan leader Bo Schlembechler called the government "cowards."
Speaking of Schlembechler, he said he was not willing to protect himself. He would "go down fighting and standing out easily." "I take pride in being a Michigan Wolverine, and I'm not going to let any Buckeye have his way by allowing me to crawl into a suit. I will be wearing my maize proudly and will be fighting on the front lines if that's what it takes me."
Schlembechler also encouraged Michigan fans not to go to Iraq, and called Iraqis "sissies."