UnNews:Iraq detainees suffering from 'excessive boredom'
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Iraq detainees suffering from 'excessive boredom'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 21:13:UTC)(
29 November 2007
BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Iraq's government has begun an investigation into the alleged abuse of more than 170 detainees held by Iraqi security forces. The prisoners, many found blankly staring into space or even counting numbers to pass the time, were suffering from extreme cases of boredom. It appears as though the men and women being held were left in rooms, either by themselves or in groups, with no means of entertainment. "It was inhuman," said one of the officials responsible for uncovering the blatant cases of abuse. "I mean, even mass murderers in maximum security are allowed rubik's cubes or something." It seems all methods of keeping oneself busy, such as books or original GameBoys (now extremely popular in the Middle East) were confiscated upon the prisoners' entry into the detainee camp.
Several prominent Iraqi officials were mystified by the uproar this discovery is causing. Said the Iraqi Minister of Justice: "I just don't get it. Prisoner camps where we torture and kill detainees get uncovered daily, and you're upset about this?" Obviously, the Minister of Justice was not aware of the severe nature of the boredom of the inmates. Left to their own devices, some of the prisoners tried to keep themselves entertained in the obvious way...masturbation. Three such prisoners were rushed to local hospitals, suffering from advanced despermification. Also, much of the commotion that has arisen over this story comes directly from the dozens of workers called in to clean the cells of these three individuals, which were totally gross. Other inmates were reduced to repeatedly singing songs written specifically to annoy those around them (such as "99 Bottles of Beer" or any song by George Michael) to lessen their own suffering. It has also been discovered that prisoners being transported between detainment facilities in buses or airplanes are not allowed to watch movies during the trips, further evidence of the inhuman conditions these poor souls have been subject to.
As horrific as these accounts are, some experts believe this discovery may be just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. "We believe there may be thousands more inmates being held in Iraq, all without any means of keeping themselves busy" said one noted human rights activist. "We are asking for your help. Please send anything you can: magazines, DVDs, tattoo kits, rubber bands, even a crossword puzzle you made using your own made-up language that only you understand. You can make a difference!" When it was pointed out that any entertainment devices sent to Iraq would almost certainly be confiscated and used for the guards' enjoyment, the activist proceeded to break down and cry like a little girl.
Through a spokesman, the Iraqi Prime Minister has assured the public that he is putting all his weight behind the investigation. In addition, the spokesman was kind enough to remind us of the exact nature of the Prime Minister's weight, which promises speedy action against the culprits. Predictably, the Iraqi government has blamed the entire episode on Saddam Hussein. "We are still recovering from the wave of oppresive tyranny Saddam caused to wash over our country. Incidents such as this bombing, plane crash, or mass prisoner abuse are merely carryover from the previous regime, and we are doing everything we can to apprehend the persons responsible" was heard in a recorded message upon calling the Iraqi Government.