UnNews:Iraq War Paused
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Iraq War Paused
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 18:57:UTC)(
28 July 2006
The war in Iraq remains on hold this week as tensions continue to flare up between Israel and that other country. Once taking up entire newspaper pages and newscasts, the Iraq war can now be safely forgotten. "This is really good for reporters, since we don't have time to cover both wars," said CBS News foreign correspondent Lara Logan, who is totally hot. Plus she has that sexy accent. Is she Irish or what?
Anyway, the pausing of the Iraq war has brought a welcome break, especially for Iraqi citizens. Before the other war broke out, as many as 100 Iraqis were killed from attacks per day. "It's great how everything's so calm now," said Baghdad citizen Bahar Mahmoud. "I can go to the market safely, and our children can go to school, and I don't have to check the morgue every day for family members!" Also, American troops, once constantly in dangerous situations, can now take a break, catch up on sleep, maybe watch old episodes of Lost that they missed.
However, this pausing means that Iraqi police can not currently be "trained", nor can new legislation be written, so there will be no resolution to the war while it is paused. "Yeah, we're pretty much in limbo until the Israel thing dies down," said Iraq president, uh... Mohammed... something or other. Members of Al Qaeda are also enjoying a nice vacation, according to photographs uncovered by the US Army that show operatives partying in their training camps. Osama bin Laden's eyes are totally bloodshot in one, which is really not surprising, likely due to his lack of sleep worrying about his underlings' Union Contract.
Meanwhile George Bush was also enjoying a well-earned three-month vacation in his Crawford, Texas ranch. Telephoto pictures, obtained from the anti-war group U.S. Traitors For Peace, show the president in his bathrobe pulling weeds from his garden. When asked about the length of his vacation, the president replied, "See, this is what makes America the country, the greatest, I mean a we're a country in which the president, that's me, is able to not work and still the country operates as if it had a government. That is why we will win this war on terroristas."
Most Americans struggle to tell the difference between the two wars. "I mean, you've got the two Muslim terrorist groups that no one seems to know how to spell, and the two countries that start with I, and they're basically in the same place," said Joe Blow, a typical American. "I didn't even know they were different until you pointed it out."
"I just hope our troops come home safe from this new war," he added.