UnNews:Iraq WMD's finally located - interrogee confesses, Lassie Hurt

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Iraq WMD's finally located - interrogee confesses, Lassie Hurt

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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19 January 2008


Witness the blessings of the Lord, visibly creating an nucular halo around GW, the Anointed One.

BAGDHAD, Iran and/or Iraq, whichever -- US officials called a hasty conference together today in the Green Zone announcing that "the belated recovery and destruction of WMDs in Iraq was now imminent." US officials had been searching for the weapons since the 2003 invasion. Chief Bagdhad Army Information Officer Wiley Lyre indicated that a high value detainee had volunteered verifiable information to US personnel indicating that the Iraqis had hidden the WMDs using Romulan Cloaking technology. "Frankly, we were flabbergasted." said Lyre. "We had no idea that they were using such sophisticated technology, I mean first the Iranian centrifuges, then speedboats with megaphones, and now this, where do these people come up with this stuff -- Pakistan?."

"It was unfortunate that the voluntary confession was cut short." Lyre added that an electrical short circuit resulted when an unrestrained guard dog knocked the video tripod into the water bath resulting in an inadvertent electrocution. When pressed on the details of the interrogation, Lyre volunteered that there were no VHS tapes, and the video cameras were all wet any way from the water and splashing and stuff. Anyway, there was no permanent injury to any internal organs, Lassie survived with a wee limp, and all proper processes were followed.

Lyre stated that the big break in the case came when the detainee revealed his eBay user ID. Using the FBI's Carnivore computer program and tracking the detainees Paypal account, it quickly became apparent that in late 1997 Abu Hamza had purchased Cloaking technology on eBay. "After that, it was just a matter of putting two plus two together" stated Lyre. "Even as we speak, the Iraqi WMDs have been located and US forces are targeting them using GPS coordinates and laser guided missiles. They are just too dangerous to unearth," explained Lyre, "so we will just destroy them under the ground, but for security reasons, we can't reveal the locations."

The White House reported that President Bush had already discussed the dramatic development with his French counterpart and complemented Sarkozy on his most recent model. Sarkozy indicated in LeMonde that the two President had had a nice tete-a-tete and both agreed that models were much more attractive than poodles, but perhaps the French one's were just as woolly. The discussion ended on a culinary note with the President complementing Sarkozy on the "damn fine food and wine you Frencheys have over there, especially them freedom fries. Yummmy in the Tummy!"

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