UnNews:Iranian President cuts off his own hand
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Iranian President cuts off his own hand
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 19:36:UTC)(
9 September 2006
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Teheran, Iran -- In a written statement today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad admitted to cutting off his own right hand in accordance with Islamic law. According to the statement, "Everyone knows that we have stolen nuclear technology to build centrifuges from the West. I feel very guilty about this. According to the laws of Sharia, I deserve to be punished."
According to Ahmadinejad, "I just didn't feel right knowing that my government was responsible for this theft and I was still walking around with all my fingers. Something had to be done."
This action, however, has not diminished Iran's desire to
build a nuclear bomb use the power of the Atom for peaceful purposes. "We're still going to need a source of energy for our country. Oil is no substitute for depleted Uranium", claimed Ahmadinejad.
When asked how this would change his personal life, he said, "I don't expect many changes at all. I was a little concerned over how I would masturbate. Now that I'm president, we have ways of solving that problem."