UnNews:Iran totally asking for it
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Iran totally asking for it
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 22, 2017, 17:31:UTC)(
31 August 2006
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UNITED NATIONS - Iran is like totally asking for it, dude. The U.N. Security Council gave them a deadline of August 31 to suspend uranium enrichment, and the Iranians completely shined it on, basically like, "Dude, we want nukes, so forget you!"
So now U.S. Ambassador Michael Bolton wants the U.N. to put the fucking hammer down, and Iran's president is saying, "Hey, man we have a right to develop our nuclear technology, and if you don't like it, you can lump it."
And now that Iran's like ignored the the Security Council, it has to do something or it ends up looking like Iran's total punk-ass bitch.
But those Chinese and Russian fuckers are all pussing out and shit and saying, "I don't know, maybe we ought to chill and see what happens before we do anything." And Bolton is saying to the International Atomic Energy Agency that we don't need no steenking Russkies or Chinks to do something about it.
Bolton says even though Iran says it's just building a nuclear program for peaceful purposes, they're like absolutely fucking lying, and its whole deal about telling the U.N. to go fish is because it wants to build a nuke.
"I mean, it's so fucking obvious," Bolton said. "Why would they be acting this way if they weren't planning on building a bomb? Huh?"
So what's gonna happen now is that foreign policy chief of the European Union, Javier Solana, is gonna meet with Ali Larijani, Iran's top nuclear negotiator, to find out what the fucking deal is.
Bolton said, "If nothing happens at that meeting, and all we get is more bullshit, we're ready to lock and load."
He also said that just because Russia and China are being big pussies about sanctions, don't think they won't jump in on Iran, too, because they agreed on the sanctions along with everybody else. "Russia and China both said they'd be on our side," if Iran didn't come around, Bolton said.
In Tehran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told a large crowd that "This is a lot of bullshit, and they can't tell us what to fucking do! They're not the boss of us!"
He also said that the U.S. is a big hypocrite, and that it "talks all about freedom and human rights and shit, when they have these huge ass-pounding prisons, and you can have all the freedom you want as long as you do things their way. Goddamned motherfuckers!"
That chick who's head of Germany, Angela Merkel said she was bummed that Iran was being such a prick about things, and that she thought the Security Council made them a pretty good offer if they'd cool it with the nuclear crap. But she said that if Iran is going to be that way, "we won't tell them to completely fuck themselves, but we just can't sit around and jack off, either."