UnNews:Iran launches monkey into space
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Iran launches monkey into space
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 03:38:UTC)(
28 January 2013
Tehran, Iran -- In what may be the greatest threat to American national security, the Islamic Republic of Iran has reportedly launched a monkey into space. The monkey returned to earth unharmed, but there is no word yet if it engaged in poop throwing during its flight.
"Today's launch prove's one thing, Iran has missile technology nearly equal to the Unites States when Harry Truman was president," said Republican Senator John McCain. "It was one thing for Nazi Germany, the Soviet Union, or China to have missile technology comparable to our own. But Iran is a rouge nation, bend on destroying America and subjugating the world. America is at risk more now than at any point in my lifetime."
"It has been years since the U.S. put a monkey into space," said NASA director Charles Bolden. "Although these are uncertain economic times, I believe we must show Iran that we can still put monkeys into space. In fact, we may even to go back to the moon, to prove America can still do what it once did. The time has come to boldly go were we went before. Supposedly, most US research labs are retiring their chimps. Instead of sending them to animal sanctuaries, I propose blasting them into space."
Not to be outdone, Russian president Vladimir Putin announced Russia's intention to join the space race. "The Soviet Union was the first nation to launch a satellite into orbit, the first to put a man in space, and the first to build a space station. But we did not put a monkey into space until 1983. While the Soviet Union did launch a dog into orbit in 1957, a dog isn't a monkey. To rectify this stain on the honor of Mother Russia, the Russian space program will devote all resources to launching monkeys into space, including abandoning our obligations on the International Space Station. This may result in some of our cosmonauts being stranded, along with some astronauts of other nations, as Russia is the only country that can launch manned spaced flights since the retirement of the space shuttle program. However, that is a sacrifice we are willing to make to launch the most monkeys into space."
French president Francois Hollande also announced his intention to rejoin the new space race. "The French launched a monkey into space back in 1967," he said, "a full 16 years before the Soviet Union. However, France never received any credit for this achievement. The world focused on the accomplishments of the United States and the Soviet Union, forgetting that other nations have the technology to launch monkeys into space. Many Americans don't even know that the 2nd tier nations have space programs. Argentina, for example, launched a monkey into space back in 1969, but the world is only taking notice now because Iran did it. I call upon all nations of the world to launch monkeys into space to break the space-monkey duopoly of the United States and Russia."
- The Guardian "Iran has launched monkey into space, claims news agency". The Guardian, January 28, 2013