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TEHRAN, Iran — The international community is holding its breath this afternoon after Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, current president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, declared war on the United States. To many, this means that a strike is either imminent, or that a preeminent one was already delivered by either side. Analysts expect current military operations in the Middle East to be refocused with emphasis on making Iran asplode.
U.S. President Barack Obama was flown to Camp David, AP reports. The White House, as far as anyone can tell, had no advanced warning. “No military movement was noticed by any of our agencies in Iran or near any of our occupational efforts in the region,” a Pentagon official said. “But we did notice the recent construction of a giant catapult near the Iran/Iraq border.”
Military advisers have speculated as to the use of the catapult. Some believe it to be the actual launching device for a nuclear weapon. “It’s like how Metal Gear Rex uses a railgun to fire nukes. It’s like that, only a catapult instead of a railgun,” said LiquidSnake_MGSfan09, a Metal Gear Solid fan on a military activities forum. There seems to be little concern about Iran's potential possession of nuclear weapons among Pentagon officials.
Tension between Iran and the United States was amplified this year as the US fought for tougher sanctions against Iran in April. Ahmadinejad cited this and America's continued support for Israel as two of the reasons for the declaration of war when he addressed the Iranian people from Tehran two hours ago. “I am only afraid that some bastard will present me with a mediation plan at the last moment,” he stated.
The United Nations said it would present no mediation plan. In fact, the United Nations was very nonchalant, and stumbled less in its analyzing than it did when the United States declared war on Iraq, or when the United States helped plant bombs in civilian Nicaraguan harbors, or when the Soviets invaded Afghanistan, or when the Soviets were run out of Afghanistan by the American supported muhjahadeen, or when that shit happened in that other small country with the attention of a superpower. A lot less like all of those other times. Instead, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon moved the United Nations into talks of each country’s FIFA ranking.
- APTube "BREAKING NEWS: Iran has declared war on the United States...". Ass. Press, Oct. 24, 2010