UnNews:Iran deal done, except for details

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Iran deal done, except for details

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31 March 2015

Kerryborg

The Secretary of State informs the American people that "resistance is futile."

LAUSANNE, Switzerland -- The United States beat a self-imposed deadline, announcing a nuclear weapons deal with Iran, with nothing left to be worked out — except all the details.

The deadline was vital to keep the Obama administration from having to announce a treaty to pacify Iran on April Fool's Day. The parties were to sketch out the "general areas of agreement" at 11:59 p.m. on March 31, subject to details being worked out some time this summer. Unfortunately, as the deadline approached and Secretary of State John Kerry started to sweat through his silk shirt, madcap Iran began demanding new concessions, including that the U.S. immediately drop all the economic boycotts Mr. Obama was using to appear tough, and that the U.S. stop inspecting how badly Iran was cheating on the last deal. The U.S. thoughtfully withdrew Air Force support just as Iraq was trying to retake the city of Tikrit from the advancing forces of ISIS, but Iran remained adamant.

Iran is a major oil producer whose signature blend of crude seems tragically unable to be used to generate electricity. Thus, thousands of centrifuges are whirring around the clock at secret laboratories deep inside mountains, producing weapons-grade plutonium just so the average Iranian can venture out in the evening, perhaps going to the stadium to watch the gay-stonings. The developed world believes Iran seeks the nuclear bomb, tragically misinterpreting some loose Iranian rhetoric about wiping Israel off the face of the earth. The U.S. insists that, if Iran breaks this deal too, it promise to wait a full year before actually having the bomb, which will be enough time to get it back to the bargaining table and maybe threaten to take tough but unspecified actions.

The parties agreed to keep meeting at a five-star hotel here for the rest of the week, eat prime rib, hammer out an agreement-in-principle, and continue aiming for "some time this summer" to get very specific. Thus, nothing is accomplished, nothing has failed, and no important deadlines have slipped, which means total success.

The Administration hopes that the agreement can be submitted to the United Nations this fall, so that it can be submitted to something without being submitted to the Senate as the Constitution requires. Mr. Obama is confident that this bit of treachery will show Iran it is finally dealing with an equal.

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