UnNews:Iran counters Israel's counter-counter weapon
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
20 April 2006
When Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad got an anonymous text message suggesting he didn't wash enough, he did not take it lying down. In fact, quite the opposite. He was lying down when he read it, then promptly stood up.
He fired the president of the phone company, had four people arrested including chiefs of Iran's national security agency and secret weapons research, took other legal action and accused those involved of conspiring with the Israeli foreign intelligence service Mossad, according to the Iranian opposition website Rooz Online.
President Ahmadinejad immediately called a press conference, telling reporters, "Well, this rather embarrassing leak will have to serve as the unveiling of Iran's counter-counter-counter weapon, to be used in the event of attack by infidels or EuroSatan. I have bravely volunteered to be a test subject for, Project Boogandoo (Farsi - Malodorous)."
Several thousand deranged soldiers and government agents joined the president seven years ago in an effort to stop bathing altogether. Many fell by the wayside for medical reasons, opted out due to the psychological stress of being a magnet for seagulls. Those who've succeeded are at the ready to deploy a stench of such magnitude as to entirely overwhelm any who oppose them. The awful smell, detectable within 50 meters of the president, is in fact minuscule leakage from a top secret Invironmental containment suit. Scientists calculate the leakage to be 0.0355% of the complete power of his bodily funk.
"Our brave, foul-smelling, potential martyrs are prepared to parachute into key positions at the Israeli border. Once deployed, they remove their Invironmental suits and let the funk fly! It will be like Jericho, except we're Persians not Samarians, and the Jews are in Jerico instead of the Samarians, and it's not sound but smell... Just the same," Interim security chief Ezra Pound said. "Those (expletive deleted) Zionists are going to get their comeuppance! They think they can scare God-fearing Muslims with name-calling missiles and your mother jokes. Phooey! I spit on them, and dribble a bit on my chin..." Pound was then arrested for public insanity, replaced by interim-interim chief Khalil Gibran.
The website says Ahmadinejad, known throughout the world as a hard-liner who has threatened Israel with destruction and questioned the Holocaust, is the target of many barbs among the populace in his country.
But the mullah's regime doesn't show much of a sense of humor. Of particular concern are jokes comparing Iran's nuclear ambitions (or anything else, for that matter), with sex. Several people have reportedly received court summonses for sending nuclear-related jokes, according to the website.
Tehran has taken a tough stance against opposition on the Internet. Many of the nation's estimated 70,000 to 100,000 bloggers have faced harassment or buggery as their hogging of chairs is worsening Iran's impending IKEA shortage crisis. The regime has acknowledged monitoring text message traffic.