UnNews:Iran agrees to have "talk" with girlfriend America
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Iran agrees to have "talk" with girlfriend America
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 00:39:UTC)(
23 August 2006
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UNITED NATIONS HIGH SCHOOL -- Seventeen year-old pretty-boy Iran agreed to finally have a "talk" with his girlfriend America about their problems, but refused to give up drinking as she had asked him to. The couple's relationship has been strained for months over that and other issues. Iran says he's living up to his promise of agreeing to settle things by the end of August, but America claims there is no point to it if he stays on the path to alcoholism.
Although the boy had always claimed his drinking is just "social," America and her parents fear that it may lead to long-term problems. Iran is already pretty belligerent and aggressive when drunk. He keeps threatening to beat up America's best friend Israel. Iran even secretly supported the neighborhood gang of Hezbollah boys when they tried to mug Israel a few weeks ago.
Another problem America cites is her boyfriend's constant chats with "that slutty girl, Syria. They talk online all the time," she says. Iran retorts with claims that America is cheating on him with older boy, Britain. Meanwhile, America's ugly neighbor, 16 year old Canada, just cries for attention all the time.
Even the feuding couple's parents are getting involved. America's dad, Kofi Annan, keeps pleading for Iran to stop drinking, but given his physically weak stature, there is little he can do against the bully. And Iran's mom, Arabia, simply doesn't care what her son does. Meanwhile, America's mom Europa developed a proposition for Iran. "If he promised to stop taking shots and funneling beers, I would invite him to our house for dinner and a nice glass of wine." That proposal is what Iran and America are to discuss soon, but hopes for a settlement are slim given that Iran already declared, "You can't control my life! It's my right to go out and have fun and down a few beers with my boys."
Relationship expert George Bush promised to give America some advice on her latest love life problems, but the girl is skeptical. "When I first went out with my old boyfriend Iraq," America explains, "Mr. Bush promised me he would greet me with flowers and gratitude if I vandalized his house, but that certainly didn't come true." Bush brushed off her criticism, asserting that, "Iraq will still come around and love you one day."