UnNews:Iran achieves nuclear capabilities, western powers advise patience
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Iran achieves nuclear capabilities, western powers advise patience
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 10:43:UTC)(
26 September 2009
NEW YORK, New York -- Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, announced today in the United Nations's general assembly that his country, the Islamic Republic of Iran now holds weapons grade Nuclear abilities.
Amidst shocked silence, the clearly satisfied Iranian leader announced:
"The peaceful nation of Iran now holds within its grasp the Holy Fire of Allah. From our secret underground bases shall launch holy jihad versus the infidels dogs of the west. Your rotten cities shall crumble, your promiscuous women shall turn into nuclear dust, your ignorant children will fly in the holy wind of purge and all your base will be belong to us."
"But rest assured, dear heretic buffoons, the peaceful nation of Iran shall maintain that all nuclear strikes shall be carried out in the spirit of peace, humanity and the cosmic brotherhood of mankind, regardless of any hostile intentions you might attribute to us. We mean you only the best." concluded the Iranian leader.
A flurry of moderately worried responses were quickly emitted by member states of the Security Council.
"We are moderately worried that the Iranian declaration of achieving weapons grade nuclear abilities may indicate that the Iranians are close to achieve weapons grade nuclear abilities." said the White House's spokesman. "We intend to keep our worried composure for as long as it takes to make the Iranians understand that ignoring the international community in order to achieve nuclear capabilities is not a good idea".
"The European Union is extremely concerned with the ongoing Iranian attempts to achieve Nuclear ability, what with their latest declaration. It would seem that despite the EU's calm and apathetic approach to the matter, the Iranian refuse to cease and decease." commented Nicolas Sarkozy, current EU acting president. "We thereby declare that we will escalate our efforts in the matter and we shall conduct an emergency assembly of the EU's foreign ministers. They shall sit in a room for many hours and release a worried declaration emphasizing that Iran should stop its efforts to achieve Nuclear capabilities. We are sure it will suffice".
"There's nothing to it, really". Said the UN general secretary, Ban Ki-Moon "I'm sure the Iranians have no intentions to actually achieve Nuclear capabilities. They only crave the attention. But just to be on the safe side, we'll convene a special meeting of the security council. Oh, we'll have the usual fanfare, France and Britain spitting in each others eyes, the US trying to send a few aircraft carriers somewhere unrelated, Russia selling ballistic missiles to the Iranians under the table, and the Chinese boycotting the whole event for the sake of human rights. You know, the usual. In any case, I'm sure that the mere proceedings will show the Iranian leadership how determined war leadership is and it will make them change their minds. Not to worry!" smiled the secretary as he entered his luxurious sedan, on his way to a gala dinner.
And in the holy city of Qom, in the faintly glowing underground secret bases, the party continued all throughout the night.