UnNews:Iran Vows To "Wipe Mexico Off The Map" After Soccer Defeat
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11 June 2006
(Nuremberg, Germany) Senior Iranian officials vowed to "wipe Mexico off the map" after Mexico's soccer team wiped out the Iranians 3 to 1 today. The embarrassing defeat materialized late in the 2nd half, when Mexico scored 2 goals in quick succession.
While the game was still tied 1-1 earlier in the match, Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. was ambivalent towards Mexico, asserting that "The one goal scored against us was clearly the work of the Mexican Jews, but the rest of the Hispanics are still ok in our book." But when Mexico's Omar Bravo scored his 2nd goal in the 76th minute, Ahmadinejad declared that "All Mexicans are infidels - scum of the Earth."
Three minutes later, the enraged Iranians witnessed yet a third goal from the Mexicans. At this point, US spy satellites detected that long-range "soccer ball" missiles at Iran's military bases were being pointed towards Mexico. To reduce tensions, the Europeans are offering an incentives deal to Iran. The proposal calls for the Iranian soccer team to be allowed to advance to the next round of the World Cup no matter how badly they play, but in return the country would have to stop the development of "uranium enriched soccer balls" designed to irradiate enemy players.
The only positive for Iran during the match was the country's single goal, scored in the 36th minute by Yaha Golmohammadi. The player is being widely praised by the Iranians, and local Imams have assured him that once he is martyred, he will receive an extra 73rd virgin in the afterlife.
Iran's next match in Group D will be versus Portugal on June 17th. Fans are already assembling Portuguese flags for burning. Military experts are wondering what Iran's reaction will be should they lose, but Iran's president assures that "We are capable of wiping off more than one nation off the map at a time - we can handle wiping out both Mexico and Portugal if necessary."