UnNews:Iran Tests First Nuke
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Iran Tests First Nuke
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 29, 2015, 22:58:UTC)(
22 February 2012
Tehran, Iran -- After almost 20 years, the Iranians have constructed their first nuclear missile. They say that they will use this nuke to destroy all the infidels of the world. They were so enthusiastic about it that we didn't have the heart to tell them that they would need more than that for world domination. UnNews was curious, so we asked them how they got the nuclear warhead. They responded saying that it was discovered in the back of a Russian garbage truck. The rest of the missile is built from old Toyota parts and held together with shit.
The Iranians didn't want to look stupid, so instead of firing their only nuke, they decided to test it. In a secluded and top secret area of the desert, they got the missile ready for testing. UnNews asked for directions at the tourism office and got to the testing location just in time. They told us that to test the nuke, they would launch to 60,000 feet, and make it target a building scheduled for demolition. We took cover in their Operation Control Center (a shack with a single launch lever) and counted down from 10. The head of the operation lost count at 6 twice, couldn't remember 4, and tried to start at 11. Finally, the countdown ended and the missile was fired. The resulting explosion destroyed the Operation Control Center and everyone in it (except me). The crater was the size of your mom's ass and smelled similar. The Iranian government says that they have learned a lot from this experience. For instance a nuclear warhead requires computer control system to reach a target, not constant chanting of "Death to Infidels!" over and over and over again. They say that they have doubled their efforts in research of nukes and the searching of Russian garbage.
The building which was destined to be nuked during testing is now a preschool and is doing fine business.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|