UnNews:Iowa is destroyed in a wildfire; perpetrators lauded
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Iowa is destroyed in a wildfire; perpetrators lauded
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 31, 2016, 09:35:UTC)(
15 March 2007
SIOUX CITY, Iowa -- Two normal Iowa men are being dubbed as heroes for the economic collapse and complete destruction of the state of Iowa this normal afternoon after they reportedly started one of the largest wildfires in recorded history while attempting to get their hair cut at a local barbershop early this normal morning.
At roughly 9:23 AM (Iowa Standard Time), life-long Sioux City residents Richard "Dick" Penn and Christopher Faber arrived at the Absolute Hair hair salon. Having never had their hair cut at this particular hair salon before, they were asked for their names and appropriate phone numbers. The two began arguing with one-another over their correct names and phone number. After reaching an agreement some time later, both men paid for a haircut, a typical request at this hair salon.
Things were uneventful until Christopher Faber jumped out of his chair after the cosmetologist reportedly shaved off three inches of his ear. After striking the cosmetologist in the face several times, Faber was subdued by other employees. Penn, a diabetic, suffered from an immediate raise in his blood sugar upon witnessing the events and began attacking employees and customers savagely using his body as a weapon, knocking over appliances, and creating a large dust storm of hair. What happened after this is unknown.
Upon police's arrival, the building was on fire along with the rest of the state of Iowa. Nonetheless, the two men responsible for the incident were lauded and praised for destroying the state of Iowa, then immediately beaten by angry Minnesotans once the fire crossed the Iowa-Minnesota border.
The exact cause of the fire is unknown, but the origin has been confirmed as being that particular hair salon. Some speculate that the plethora of flammable hair chemicals was ignited by either an electrical appliance or an M2A1-7 flamethrower wielded by one of the heroic psychopaths. While the former seems more likely, many will agree that the latter just sounds more awesome, and thus it is accepted as what took place.
The fire quickly spread from the hair salon to neighboring areas, including a nuclear power plant, a gasoline storage facility, a firewood warehouse, a lighter and match factory, a daycare center/animal shelter/retirement center, and about 50,000 miles of corn fields. The corn fires quickly spread and within a matter of hours had turned the state of Iowa into one large field of buttered popcorn. Death tolls are ranging anywhere from 10,000 ― 40,000 cows and the price of popcorn is expected to drop.