UnNews:Iowa invites California to pool party
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Iowa invites California to pool party
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 6, 2016, 20:14:UTC)(
26 June 2008
BERKELEY, California- Smoke hazes the horizon, and heaps of ash pile remind onlookers of what used to be. No, this is not a Hawthorne Heights music video. This is the aftermath of one of 800 fires that spread throughout California last weekend, destroying many homes.
Then again, the same crap happens every other year. California is always under flames, earthquakes, and the like, so why should we care?
Well, it's because of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's plan to eradicate this burning, if you will, problem.
Cooperating with Gov. Chet Culver of Iowa, Schwarzenegger plans to build a giant pipeline to drain water from Iowa (UnNews:Iowa celebrates summer with world's largest pool).
Who exactly is building this pipeline? One may assume that resedential Asians or illegal Mexicans would be the apt choice. Wrong, my friend. Very wrong. Schwarzenegger plans to employ California's gay community into building the pipeline.
"The fact is that when you have that many fires -- and there are still 700 fires left all over the state of California -- you get stretched thin with the resources," Schwarzenegger said of his choice not to use Asians or Mexicans to build the pipeline.
However, since more and more homosexuals are moving California to take advantage of legality of gay marriage, there is a surplus amount of lesbos and faggots.
Using the average lesbian's knowledge on the drainage and plumbing and the average homosexual man's knowledge on making things cute, the pipeline should be completed within 5-10 business days. The pipeline (which will run under the entire state of California) will feature state-of-art technology that responds to heat in the ground and on the surface ground, as well as certain gases emitted when fires are burned. When its sensitive sensors sensorize something sensible, it will automatically irrigate the affected area.
"I can't wait to start ruching the Japanese water silk base for the pipeline!" exclaims Riçkëë, a drag-queen-turned-construction-worker.
All gathered out in the summer, some armed with thread and needles, and some armed with jackhammers and blowtorches, we can truly see the spirit of California. It is a spirit that calls the outcasts to band together and make gay little dresses in order to get a pipe up their ass.
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