UnNews:Investigators zero in on Osama Bin Spinach
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Investigators zero in on Osama Bin Spinach
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 20:55:UTC)(
27 September 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- CIA and FBI agents are said to be zeroing in on the elusive terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Spinach, who is suspected of being behind the recent nationwide E. Coli outbreak. The disease killed a handful of Americans and made hundreds sick across 26 states.
Officials say they've narrowed down Bin Spinach's location to a series of caves in the Rocky Mountains, where he is holding out with his followers. Days after the initial outbreak, President Bush vowed to catch him "fresh or cooked." With approval from Congress, the ongoing "War on Vegetables" had begun.
But critics were quick to condemn the President's tactics, mainly because he shifted the focus away from finding Bin Spinach and instead broadened the war to include another notorious figure - Saddam Broccoli. with mid-term elections looming, the Republican administration is trying to garner support by renewing their search for Bin Spinach. "We're really close now", claims Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "We know he is somewhere east, west, north, or south of here," he elaborated at a press conference in Denver, Colorado.
But commanders on the ground say Osama Bin Spinach is an elusive opponent. He knows the terrain well and can camouflage himself in the similarly colored grass. Agents are hopeful that they finally have him cornered this time though. Now it's just a race against time,experts say - come winter, Bin Spinach is likely to find shelter underground in some secret hideout.
Meanwhile, Bush is still struggling to defend his war against Saddam Broccoli. "We must heed the lessons of September 14th," he explained in a recent televised speech, referring to the date of the initial E. Coli outbreak. "We must pre-emptively go after the vegetables before they come after us," he added. Cynics say Bush is just avenging his father, who was notorious for hating Broccoli and deeply regrets not ousting him after the Parsley Gulf War in the early 1990s.
Despite the capture of high ranking vegetable al-Zucchini, the Food and Drug Administration is warning consumers Osama Bin Spinach is still dangerous and E. Coli is still a threat. "We're maintaining the national alert level at green, which of course is the highest designation", confirmed a spokesman.