UnNews:Inventor of death dies
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Inventor of death dies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 22:58:UTC)(
29 January 2008
Cynthia was born on Planet Earth in 0.BC, and had a privileged upbringing (he had a fireplace in his own bedroom, and received plenty of firewood for his birthday). He originally worked at a Medieval Fast food outlet in a village called Trojanorialshire (in the days before Slough was invented). He decided to go on to do bigger and better things and decided to solve a worldwide crisis (there were more than six million people living on Earth, it was so crowded you understand). So he injected every new-born baby with a solution called 'Death Prototype' which enables the child to die at any moment in life - whether run over by a wheelbarrow, trampled by a horse or in childbirth.
He said of his invention: "Due to my useful and practical invention, people need to live their life to the fullest. Build a go-kart, jump-rope or take you're mentally-ill relatives to the grocery store!" You know, if death hadn't been invented by this great man, part of me thinks what the point would be of the 1957 film 'Old Yeller'.
Cynthia himself was never actually injected with 'Death Prototype', yet went onto make millions of dollars and won the first ever Scientist Of The Year award - no scientist worth his salt wants to be seen dead with this title nowadays however.
Being alive for so long, Sir. Cynthia was privileged enough to witness great and bad things ranging from the Moon landing to the premier of Sesame Street, both good things from1969. And bad things such as the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake, 9/11, The Great Baker's Strike in 2003 (Cake was one of Sir. Cynthia's few weaknesses) and Pee Wee Herman in general.
Sir Cynthia fathered approximately 39 children by 3 different wives (35 girls and 4 boys) all of whom now have great, great, great, fantastic grandchildren. Manning commented: "I will never forget my second wedding, the priest used to be a tramp and said 'Do not know of any London embankment'" Sir. Cynthia then fell on the floor, doubled up in pain.
Sir. Cynthia died of natural causes in the Hargreaves Hotel in Pennsylvania, survived 35 girls and 4 boys.