UnNews:Interview with Allah
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Interview with Allah
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 12:18:UTC)(
15 January 2015
Is Islam a threat or not? Some say it's wrong to harbor suspicion against all muslims in general, others consider a clash of cultures inevitable. UnNews, always in search of the final truth, was determined to ask the highest authority on this matter. Since Islam does not have a pope or a similar power on earth, we had to ask Allah himself for an interview.
UnNews: "Welcome, O Magnificient, O Most Glorious and All-Seeing... Take care! The door!"
UnNews: "Allah is truly great. Our earthly premises are not made for this."
Allah: "Sorry for that door frame."
UnNews: "You're welcome. These are rented rooms anyway. We are always on the move these days. Satirists have to be agile and faster than your average jihadi, nowadays."
Allah: "So this is your opening for this interview?"
UnNews: "Indeed, O All-Knowing One! But not only writers and cartoonists are a little unsettled after the latest events. In fact, every non-muslim worldwide wonders if Islam is a threat to freedom, be it freedom of religion or freedom of expression."
Allah: "Regarding freedom of religion, you will kindly understand that this is not my idea of how things work."
UnNews: "Sure, O Praiseworthy One. But what do you think about satire? What is allowed and what is forbidden? Is the Almighty One able to laugh at all?"
Allah: "I'd love to. For a good punch line I'd give a kingdom, and I mean that. But there is a problem."
UnNews: "How so, O Eternal One? Maybe we could help? Our satirists surely could come up with a couple of hilarious jo..."
Allah: "Forget it. I know them all. And I mean all."
UnNews: "Of course, O All-Knowing One."
Allah: "Therefore it must be obvious that I don't give a damn what infidel mortals do talk, write or draw, in the course of their short life spans. I've seen it all."
UnNews: "So it's okay to make drawings of Mohammed as well? What about the ban on images?"
Allah: "There is no such ban. Read the Koran."
UnNews: "Ah, the Koran. We wanted to ask you about that, of course. Not only the majority of muslims and imams who preach peace are referring to the Koran. Hate mongers and jihadists also cite the Koran as a justification for their intentions. How can that be, O Righteous One?"
Allah: "You're touching a sore subject there. Some of the Koran's surahs can be misunderstood, I'll give you that. This is due to the history of their oral tradition. As you might know or not, back then I asked Gabriel the archangel to work out the textual details, and Mohammed had to memorize all that stuff in the middle of the desert. This might have been a tall order. But I don't want to make excuses here, I am the one who is responsible. I am currently working on a new edition in unmistakable language."
UnNews: "So we can look forward to a new edition of the Koran leaving no questions unanswered? Now this is good news indeed! When will it be published?"
Allah: "Give me a couple of days to finish it."
UnNews: "Hm ... is it true, O Everlasting One, that a thousand years is like a day for you?"
Allah: "It is, o mortal one."
UnNews: "I see. Take your time. Now, the Koran is not the only religious text containing some praise or justification of violence. Bible, Torah, or Vedas have their share of violence as well. Maybe you could have a word with your fellow ..."
Allah: "Do you wish to feel my wrath, mortal? There is no god but Allah!"
UnNews: "Right, O All-Merciful One. We have only one question left: Will you be cross with us for making up this interview, and you for that matter, out of thin air?"
Allah: "No, not really. After all, that's what Mohammed did too."
UnNews: "O Wise One, thank you for this interview."