|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 May 2007
Various countries are holding presidential elections this year. UnNews is highlighting a few of the prominent candidates for those countries who are important to the democratic way of life. Currently, and unfortunately, UnNews doesn't have any direct quotes or interviews for the reason . . .well because well . . . are you kidding you could get boiled in water, drawn and quatered, given a Columbian necklace, or jerked up for trying a stunt like that...get your own damn sound bytes, bitch! We're just reporting the facts.
The candidates for president are Abdullah Gül and Ersönmez Yarbay both come from families who relied on sheep herding during the Cold War. Abdullah Gül is the party leader for the Keep Turkey Beautiful Party. Currently, he is still running for the position despite heavy opposition from the proletariat. Ersönmez Yarbay couldn't think up a catchy party to be head of, so Yarbay withdrew early on.
On April 1, the Constitutional Court announced that eight candidates would contest the election for president of Mali. Current President Touré, and bunch of people we've never heard of; Ibrahim Boubacar Keïta, Mamadou Blaise Sangaré, Tiébilé Dramé, Soumeylou Boubèye Maiga, Oumar Mariko, Sidibe Aminata Diallo, and Madiassa Maguiraga have registered for candidacy.
Unfortunately, some other random candidate-to-be, Modibo Sangaré, was rejected by the court on the grounds that he had not paid the required bond of 10 million francs. Is that all, I think UnNews or the CIA could chip in a nickel or dime or two...
Who? Where? This country has three candidates, that we can't even pronounce and forgot how to spell.
edit Sierra Leone
Currently under civil war and daily strife. Elections are still being held. The current ruling body is allowing all opposition leaders to come forth and register for the 2007 elections. To date, nobody has responded or come forth.
Bamir Topi is the candidate of the right-wing parties that have the majority in the parliament. Sali Berisha—Current prime minister and former president has advocated for president elected by direct popular suffrage—but is too late to be added according to some low level parliament members. Albania's electoral system works very similar to that of the United States system.
Israel, the country that is constantly having the crap bombed out of it by muslim extremists and soccer-moms, has declared that it will be holding elections to fill the current vacancy of president. Irregardless of the daily strife, several
suckers patriotic Israelis have stepped up for candidacy. The list reads as a who's who of Israeli politics; former Prime Minister Shimon Peres of Kadima, former Labor Party chairman Binyamin Ben-Eliezer, former Knesset speaker Reuven Rivlin of Likud, former Ashkenazi Chief rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau, former Supreme Court President Meir Shamgar, and except Colette Avital who is the former of nothing, but is still running anyway.
Last, on our short list of 2007 International highlight's, is lovely Argentine. The country which always holds the most responsible and reputable of elections. The current list of candidates includes incumbent president Néstor Kirchner, Kirchner's wife Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, the presidents driver Carlos Menem, the butler Roberto Lavagna, the president's mistress Elisa Carrió, and the manservant of Kirchner's wife Mauricio Macri.
- Completely made up by UnNews. We really don't think (or aren't sure) some of these countries exist, or much less really have elections (you know...wink...wink). But in the case that something here sounds like a real person, place, or thing, then it is in fact a noun, but only by coincidence. Additionally, UnNews would like to apologize for the trite remarks at the beginning of the article. The original writer of this article will promptly be forced to run the gauntlet, suffer slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and be teased with blueberry muffins until they go out and get those goddamn quotes as required per their contractual obligations!!!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|