UnNews:International Olympic Committee strips former female American Olympic athlete of medals, dignity, .... and clothing?!
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
13 December 2007
LAUSANNE, Switzerland (UNN) - Marion Jones, a former American hero and 5-time Olympic medallist has been stripped of her medals and made into an "Unperson" by the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Jones admitted to using a banned substance back in October and as a result has lost all her Olympic Medals. IOC President Jacques Cousteau also remarked that all of Jones' statistics had been erased from the record books and that her name and personal information has been officially removed from the record. She has been stripped of her American citizenship and she must forfeit all of her wealth to the IOC.
Jones admitted to using steroids in Federal Court back in October, after denying it for years. She won her 5 medals, 3 gold and 2 bronze, at the Olympics in Sydney, Nova Scotia back in 2000. Because of her steroid use, she will now lose all of them. According to the IOC, that is not the only thing she will lose.
In addition to stripping her of her medals and all of her wealth, the IOC also decided to take all of the clothing that Jones was wearing. "It was an easy decision" remarked IOC Vice-President Johann Sebastian Bach. The decision was made during the IOC hearing which was held to determine Jones' fate. She was to give up everything, including her body, to the IOC and her records were to be erased from existence. When Jones was told that her clothing was to be forfeited, she yelled through sobs "You guys can't be serious". Bach and Cousteau both remarked at the same time "Your damn right we are" as they began tearing off Jones' clothing. Jones cried "Is there anything more you two could do to humiliate me" as Bach and Cousteau stripped her down to her birthday suit. Upon seeing her body Bach remarked "I could think of a few things".
Since she stopped using steroids in 2003, Jones' body had once again taken a more feminine appearence. As a result of no longer using steroids, she only placed 5th in the long jump in Athens in 2004. Regardless of this, the IOC stripped her of this result as well.
Standing there nude in front of the two male IOC executives, Jones exclaimed "So you are going to fuck me to?". Cousteau replied "If you asked me this five years ago, I would have said, no way that would be tantamount to homosexuality. You were gross back then, all full of muscles and whatnot but since you stopped using the 'roids, you've taken on a more attractive appearence". Jones said "Well what about the police, you can't just have sex with me unless I let you". Bach retorted "Yes that was the case when you were still a person but since you admitted to being a drug-cheat you've been stripped of your humanity. We can't be charged with committing a crime against a person who doesn't exist". Jones replied "Well, you guys have a point there. I'm kind of horny anyways. Fuck my brains out". Bach and Cousteau gladly obliged.
Between thrusts, Jones remarked that this was the worst day of her life but added that "at least I'm getting laid".
- International Olympic Committee "Athlete stripped.... of everything". Olympic Games, December 13th, 2007