UnNews:International Criminal Court issues more genocide arrest warrants

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May 29, 2009

Weirdelf

One of the many races threatened by genocide in the virtual worlds, tree elves are now scarce in the once lush jungles of wherever the hell they lived. They were killed off by greedy players, who were forced to kill them for gold and experience.

THE HAGUE, Neatherlands -- Today, the United Nations Security Council passed Resolution 1593, concerning "the extermination and genocide of several mythical MMORPG races". It was then sent to the prosecutors at the International Criminal Court. Warrants issued shortly after charged several major companies, notably Blizzard Entertainment and Jagex Software, with genocidal crimes against several virtual races they created. These included "Dragons, Goblins, Demons, Certain species of Elves, Dwarves, Giant Spiders, Chaos Druids, and numerous other indigenous cultures and races."

Special Prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo is a 63 year old man Hispanic man well known for his diligence. He has recently made scathing verbal attacks against the software companies responsible for allowing the unrestricted attacks, and over what some may call genocide. "70 years ago, the world said never again, after the whole... Jewish thing happend... I cannot allow the perpetrators of these crimes to force players who play their game to continue to wipe out entire races of what they call "Monsters". Especially not for reasons so light and transient as 'training experience' and 'virtual gold'. The situation now is close to what was encountered in Nazi Germany during the 1930's and 40's. The whole thing just makes me sick."

However, the CEO's of the companies named in the lawsuit have made a joint statement rebuking the ICC's warrants. A spokesmen who represented the companies who make the online massive multiplayer games of World of Warcraft, Runescape, Guild Wars, and several other high profile MMORPG's, released a statement shortly after, but it only inflamed some members of the international do-gooder community. "By charging software companies with genocide of virtual creatures, the ICC has continued to show its irrevelance. Why can't the ICC go pick on some wanna-be dictator of some central african country...? The software MMORPG community stands together against this baseless warrant, which isn't even worth the ink it is printed upon."

The Parent's Television Council has also joined the fray, praising the prosecution of these virtual genocides as "A good first step towards combatting geonocidal violence encouraged by these sick, godless, capitalist pigs who have force fed our youth on a video game culture that encourages weapons use, bloodletting, and a general disregard for life." This was viewed as unusual by the international legal community as Parents Television Council has nothing to do with video gaming on a computer.

In the coming months the trial will play out at the Hague, that is, if any of the defendents show up. It remains to be seen whether the court will convict these software companies who have played at the creation of virtual life and then encouraged the very annihilation of those beings by gamers eager to advance their level and wealth.

But when I received this assignment, this reporter has to admit that my first thought was for my own kid. He plays that game online called Runescape, and for his birthday I got him membership. Yeah, my kid's a dork, but at least he's not doing drugs like some people's kids do. I thought to myself- "Am I really preparing my kid to commit a real-life genocide by giving him access to an online game where he ruthlessly murders thousands of creatures in order to get 99 Strength?"

As I walked passed his room, I saw him innocently killing some type of virtual Goblin-Ogre. I said, "Hey, Richard, what would you do if those things were real?" He looked up from his video game and stared me in the eye and said "I'd fucking kill every single one."

That's my boy. Definitely an "Army of One". Boy, I can't wait till he can enlist.

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