UnNews:International Community Reacts to Nude Photos of "High School Musical" Actress

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

11 September 2007

The Internet—Since early this week, the internet has been deluged with pictures revealing High School Musical actress Vanessa Anne Hudgens in a state of complete nudity. Never since the release of Paris Hilton’s home video has such constipated terror seized the bowels of the online community.

The pictures in question depict a naked Hudgens in her bedroom. The star’s official representative has issued a public apology, stating, “Vanessa is very sorry that these photos have become public, as they were only meant to be posted to her MySpace.”

Due to the incestuous nature of the internet, the pictures have already proliferated across an estimated eighty-three percent of the World Web. However, the scandal has been largely contained to the internet: no professional news medium retaining the merest shred of self-respect would ever even consider printing an article about so sordid a subject.

Accordingly, news of the Hudgens photo has also dominated an estimated ninety-one percent of the paper, television, and radio media. Shrugging as he lights up a cigar, newspaper magnate Bill Hearst explains, “It’s business, you know. Whatever sells.” Hearst came under fire last year for his controversial decision to replace the front pages of his papers with brassiere advertisements and cartoon strips.

The official reaction from the Disney Corporation has been cautious. “Shucks, who is this ‘Vanessa Anne Hudgens’?” asks Public Relations Manager Goofy. When something large rustles under his podium, he pauses to kick it, whereupon it subsides into silence. “We’ve never heard of her, I swear!” Manager Goofy refused to comment on Disney’s reported distribution of briefcases containing thousands of unmarked dollar bills to various tabloid presses.

Meanwhile, the extensive fandom of High School Musical has been shaken to its core by this scandal. It seems doubtful that the franchise will ever recover its popularity.

Snicker.

Just kidding! Thanks to the sordid curiosity of the public, Disney stock has already jumped an estimated four thousand percent. Disney has further capitalized upon the incident by airing a month-long nonstop marathon showing of both High School Musical movies on all of its outlets.^[1] Accordingly, the surge in television viewers has caused the overload and explosion of cable lines across the nation; basic cable providers are scurrying to restore television to millions of irate preteens.^[2]

“Is that really her?” whispers eleven-year-old Trixy McSnitts, quickly minimizing her browser window as the UnNews reporting team enters her plush bedroom. “You know what? I think it is!” Young internet users like Trixy have been flooding online newsgroups in defense of their idol, citing such eloquent arguments as “vanessa i m ur biggest fan no1 shud care what pics u take in ur private life!!!!!111!!!”^[3]

“I can’t believe she’d do that!” gushes Trixy’s best friend, Melissa Salisbury.^[4] Pushing her friend from the desk-chair, Melissa begs, “Let me see!”

Hysterical giggling ensues.

Downstairs in the living room, Misses Ivina McSnitts seems apathetic to her daughter’s internet wanderings. “Some young celeb is naked online, tell me something new,” Misses McSnitts snorts, sipping black coffee from a fine bone-china cup. “This time last year, it was that nasty Potter boy with horses.^[5] Heavens, we had to tolerate weeks of that.”

Other parents are not so indifferent.

“It’s a nightmare!” cries Cynthia Douglas, mother of three and active member of the Baptist Ladies Against Media Excesses. B.L.A.M.E., among other conservative religious groups, has demanded the prompt stoning of Vanessa Hudgens.^[6] “And here I thought High School Musical was actually teaching them important values, like nonconformity,” Douglas adds as her three children wander by in identical High School Musical™ T-shirts, lugging their identical High School Musical™ backpacks.

International reaction to the Hudgens photos has been varied. Pope Benedict XVI described the pictures as “inhuman”, but quickly clarified that he was only quoting the opinion of another theologian, and was not, himself, making a definite statement.

Sultan Ali Baba CXVI of Bezerkistan fumed about the photos on this week’s edition of A.J.N. PrimeTime News. “This is why the Muslim world hates America: you are trying to infect us with your decadent Western culture,” the Sultan said, puffing an imported cigar and adjusting his authentic Fabergé leather vest.

In order to address this significant incident, President Bush called an emergency session of Congress on Monday, September the ninth. Commenting on the gravity of the situation, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice bristled from head to stilettos and grated, “This is a great national tragedy and demands immediate, severe retribution.”

When said retribution prompted the C.I.A. capture of Vanessa Anne Nudgens of Ong, Nebraska, the White House responded the President Bush had been acting upon the best intelligence available at the time.^[7]

“We must stay the course, no matter how untenable the situation becomes,” averred C.I.A. operative Johnson from his reinforced position in the corner of the hostage’s bedroom. “While we do acknowledge that the hostage continues to—er—throw stuff at us, today, she threw three less pillows than yesterday, and her supply is being quickly exhausted.” Johnson assures the public that “had the president predicted our current situation of entrenchment, he would never have dispatched—OW! Will somebody just grab her?!”

But other governmental organizations have challenged the Administration’s insistence that it reviewed all available information. Indeed, a recent avadavat by Joseph C. Wilson IV claims that “President Bush was well aware of the inaccuracy of the intelligence and has deliberately misled the American public on yet another fool idealistic crusade.”

In fact, initial surveillance by the Federal Bureau of Investigations produced drastically different conclusions: after setting up a photographic surveillance dragnet around Hudgens’ current home in Los Angeles, paying local informants, and conducting extensive helicopter sweeps, the Bureau concluded that there is no “Vanessa Anne Hudgens” and all photographic evidence of her existence was fabricated. Communication between the F.B.I. and the Las Angeles Police Department has been poor; although Radio Shack reportedly offered the Department a special discount on a set of combination phone/e-mail/facsimile machines, the L.A.P.D. insisted on purchasing “just the fax”.

Democratic Congressmen have been quick to capitalize upon the fiasco. “This would never have happened in New York,” says Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton in an exclusive interview with UnNews. “The N.Y.P.D. would have found the kid in twenty minutes.”^[8] Meanwhile, non-mainstream Republican John McCain vows, “If elected, I will capture Vanessa Hudgens.”

As the world continues to react to the photographs, rumors have already surfaced of a possible nude scene in High School Musical 3. For on-the-hour updates on the international situation, keep your browser tuned to Uncyclopedia!

In completely unrelated news, sociologist and cultural critic Geoffrey Hines has released his new book, Why Does America Care?

[edit] Notes

1. ↑ Much to the shock and chagrin of E.S.P.N. viewers.
2. ↑ And the occasional prurient teenager.
3. ↑ See, for instance, the Comments section of this article: http://www.usmagazine.com/vanessa_hudgens_nude_photo_it_is_unfortunate_this_has_become_public
4. ↑ UnNews is able to exclusively report that Melissa Salisbury is, in fact, still under her parents’ grounding of earlier this year (see UnNews: April 9, 2007: Local Girl Grounded for “Infinity” after Perusing Naughty Website). If further disciplinary measures are forthcoming from the Salisbury family, expect UnNews to be there first!
5. ↑ See also: Nietzsche, Friedrich
6. ↑ Presumably not in the narco-pharmaceutical sense.
7. ↑ ”You would think that Google Images Search would be more reliable,” mourns C.I.A. Chief Research Analyst Smith.
8. ↑ A study of police methodology suggests that the N.Y.P.D.’s probable course of action would have been to sweep the back alleys and return dragging a homeless man yelling, “Alright, alright, already! I’m Vanessa Anne Hudgens!”

[edit] Sources

• Oscar Wilde "Nude Photos of "High School Musical" Actress Leak to Internet; Globe in Uproar". Associated Press, September 07, 2007

• Heli-Mae Hicks "Nudgens Hostage Situation Develops". Boondocks News Syndicate, September 07, 2007