UnNews:Intergalactic Civil Liberties Union sues black hole for cosmic censorship
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Intergalactic Civil Liberties Union sues black hole for cosmic censorship
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 18:28:UTC)(
4 December 2007
EARTH, Solar System The ICLU has filed a suit against the supermassive black hole at the centre of our galaxy, Sagittarius A star, on behalf of earth’s astronomers.
Sagittarius A star has been sued many times before by astronomers, astronauts, space tourists and intergalactic civil engineers building freeways at the centre of the galaxy. Sagittarius A star lost the last case against it, Sagittarius A star vs. Milky Way Construction CO., and had to reduce its event horizon by 900 million miles and reduce its mass by 12 trillion tonnes.
Now the ICLU, not known for frivolous and pointless lawsuits, has sued Sagittarius A star due to censoring light from the other side of the galaxy and destroying information in the process. “We are sick of the damn thing” said Patrick Moore, chief astronomer of earth, “we have been trying to watch cosmic movies from the Milky Way cinema for years now, but that singularity is always there sucking in light and destroying information”.
The ICLU has demanded that Sagittarius A star evaporate entirely. “Just receding the event horizon isn’t good enough this time” said the president of the ICLU, “we want total photon liberation”.
edit It can’t be done
The arch conservative think-tank Physicists for Upholding the Laws of Physics (PULP) is representing Sagittarius A star. The president and chief jerk of PULP has stepped in claiming that it can’t be done. The chief jerk says that “you can’t just make a singularity disappear! I don’t know how the hell they managed to reduce it to such a degree last time. I wish these liberals would just leave the poor hole alone”.
PULP has often opposed law suits from the ICLU such as the infamous case of Joule’s Worker’s Union vs. Perpetual Motion Incorporated. The ICLU provided lawyers for PMI claiming that it was unfair to discriminate against optimistic organizations that claimed there was enough work for everybody. The union lost the case and PMI produce the first perpetual motion machine making every worker redundant.
edit Too far this time
The ICLU has supported various peculiar and pointless lawsuits in the past such as the ban on big bangs and the creation of new universes, which it claimed violated noise pollution laws. Although most of these cases go unchecked, a lot of humans have accused the ICLU of going too far this time.
edit Opposition by Martian communists
The supermassive black hole was originally installed by the Glorious Worker’s Liberation Party of Mars to block out information to the capitalists pigs of earth. Although it’s unusual for the ICLU to impede the progress of communists it has decided that it has to make an exception in this case because the lawsuit is just too stupid for them not to help.
The president of the Red Planet, still feeling the effects of losing the Moon Missile Crisis, has threatened nuclear war against earth if the ICLU proceeds. This has not deterred the ICLU who point out nuclear armed powers such as Iran are on there side and they are more than capable of launching a counter attack and destroying incoming IGBMs.