UnNews:Intense racial tensions escalate into warfare
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Intense racial tensions escalate into warfare
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 08:02:UTC)(
7 February 2010
POUGHKIPSEE, New York -- After a long lasting piece, an unfortunate even sparked a Total War between neighboring countries of the white pieces and the Black pieces. Both sides immediately began mobilizing their troops with their kings seated in the back leading their people. Despite pleads for peace from neighboring countries, such as checker pieces, both sides know that only one side will make it out this time.
edit The Cause
“For the world to be a better chess board, there can not be white and black. For the world to be a better place, the black must die. Today the world will either fight for, or against the new order. We end this deep rooted problem now!”
Witnesses report the cause of the war came from a white pawn piece who was given orders by the White King to go on the offensive on F4. After repeated calls from a black pawn patrols to halt his advance and return back to white territory, the white piece proceeded to slay the young Pawn and took E4 from black territory, in-front of the black pawns brother, who was seated on F6 at the time. Tensions between the two nations had been on for years. White claims to have attacked Black because of fear of weapons of mass destruction black was stockpiling, however most sources indicate this move as the beginning in an attempt of ethnic cleansing.
edit Black Response
Black responded immediately, having prepared for this situation. It began operations with a move known as "Hedgehog Defense"". Although the formation was stable, the White Queen went on the attack, instantly killing the Black Queen who was running around for unknown reasons. With the Black Queen gone, the Black King had lost his royal guard, Black pieces crumbled on the pressure the Black Queen left them, and so they began to run on suicidal charges being picked off one by one.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time", said one wounded Black Rook.
However with all these death, a lone Black Pawn ran through the White openings dodging opposition in his way making it to the white side, shouting the line "Remember E4!" while forming into the new Queen, then positioning himself back in the black formation while the White pieces tried to comprehend the situation. This has become the rallying cry for the Black pieces going into war.
edit Current Situation
"I would rather be tipped over, then to resign", said one desparate white piece.