UnNews:Innovation in sentencing and punishment

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Innovation in sentencing and punishment

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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11 May 2016


Hoc est, et confusio faciei nostrae

Cross County, ARKANSAS -- Judge Joseph Boeckmann has stunned his colleagues on the bench by starting a completely different form of justice. He has combined the judicial and penal arms of the law in his very own chambers. Dissatisfied with the current state of the legal system in Arkansas, he explained his novel method of dealing with offenders as follows.

"Every time these young men have appeared before me, I have been struck by the futility of the current legal system. Their plight is all too familiar and their fate disproportionately harsh in the light of their relatively minor offences. Our penal system can in no way be presented as a model of humane rehabilitation that protects both society and the best interests of the incarcerated. True, the violence and abuse that occurs behind bars may bring home the future agony of the career criminal to the neophyte, but all too often it begets alienation from normal society and the desperate opposition of the outcast. Might we not distill the potential enlightenment from its sordid admixture with the deplorable advice and example proffered by the penitential inmates? I have but attempted this noble and uplifting project in my individual treatment of selected miscreants. My years of experience have conferred upon me a near preternatural ability to detect the spark of redemption that many would not perceive. You may deign to call my acts unworthy, yet I stand firm by their intent."

Judge Boeckmann's offer was that the lucky defendant take off his clothes and be subjected to a little spanking with a paddle and maybe a little bit of that weird sex stuff that he would otherwise have had to endure at the hands of hardened criminals instead of a kind, fatherly judge. Sad to say, some of these young men did not properly appreciate Judge Boeckmann's merciful discipline and complained to other legal authorities. It seems that this remarkable innovation has not excited the sympathy of the Arkansas Judicial Discipline and Disability Commission, as the good justice has had to promise never to sit on the bench, or a young male defendant, again.

"So be it, you who judge me. I bear your displeasure as so many before me who have been vindicated by time, if not their contemporaries."

Judge Boeckmann is awaiting the decisions of various prosecutors with his trademark stoicism and good humor.

"If my fate is to be that which I have spared so many, I accept it. Let no one say that I have sought to evade the consequences of my actions."

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