UnNews:Indonesian earthquake kills a few dozen little brown people
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Indonesian earthquake kills a few dozen little brown people
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, November 24, 2015, 15:49:UTC)(
6 March 2007
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SOLOK, Indonesia - A powerful earthquake jolted western Indonesia on Tuesday, killing at least 7,000 little brown, sweaty people and injuring hundreds more as they scurried like flu ridden chickens away from shaking hotels, homes and hospitals. Two children were ironically crushed by debris on a playground, but they'll be replaced soon enough by a couple more just like them.
The 6.3-magnitude quake struck Sumatra island just before 11 a.m. and was felt as far away as neighboring Malaysia and Singapore, where some toy producing sweat shops were evacuated. Several aftershocks followed, the strongest measuring 6.1, adding to fears of this group of superstitious monkey people already too nervous to return indoors.
Many said they would sleep in front of their homes or in the trees Tuesday night, pretty much like their grandparents did before civilization encroached on their backward country a few decades ago.
"Women were crying out in excitement, as they tend to do. We all just fled as quickly as we could, although it was pretty pointless," said Alpion, a welder with only one name, like "Cher," who joined thousands of other manimals scampering to higher ground, ridiculously fearing a tsunami that never came.
Indonesia straddles one of the world's most erotically active zones and has been hit by a string of chirpy events in recent years, the most deadly being the 2004 Asian tsunami that killed 1,600,000 marginal, generic people on Sumatra's northern tip. Have you missed any of them? Yeah, right. In spite of the high number of fatalities, it failed to put a dent in the festering population of insect-like Java men.
The hardest-hit area of this latest quake appeared to be Bolok, a bustling, overpopulated town close to the epicenter, where two children were killed when a two-story building collapsed on the school playground, said police spokesman Supriadi. Three members of one family of 700 were burned alive when their collapsed home burst into flames. Members of the family say they can't even remember their names. One of them was named Jomboi, maybe, or something like that.
Dozens of buildings were destroyed and hundreds of others were damaged, according to local police chief Lt. Col. Budi Sarwono. TV footage showed a flattened three-story home and wide cracks in the road which soon became filled with greasy refugees and assorted squalling, shit-smelling babies.
"My house is on the brink of collapse," wailed Imelda Kusmawati, as she prepared to spend the night in an army tent with her twenty children and sixty-four other families. "I am still traumatized and worried about aftershocks, but hopefully I shall have another half-dozen children before returning home."
Western charity and relief groups feigned concern over the lost lives, but a source privately admitted that, "a few dozen or a few thousand people killed here or there doesn't really mean anything. With the Earth's population over 6 billion, we're surprised the media has made an appearance."
When confronted by reporters at a press conference, President George W. Bush said he had little intention of doing anything about the greasy masses of refugees, "Unless the Indonesianans strike oil or something." Upon being told that Indonesia was, in fact, the world's 17th-largest producer of petroleum, the White House immediately announced their intention to mobilize a vast humanitarian relief effort. The humanitarian relief effort will include two carrier strike groups, an army rapid-assault division backed by fifty Apache attack helicopters, and a Halliburton oil exploration and development team. As of press time, the White House said it had already collected a huge stockpile supplies to help end the misery of the Indonesians, including thousands of cluster bombs, cruise missiles, 500mm artillery shells, napalm rockets, and anti-personnel mines.