UnNews:India wake up, get clue, win Test match

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20 January 2008

Sehwag1

Going the tonk: Virender Sehwag yesterday

SOUTH YARRA, Australia, GNN (Goanna News Network). "THANK fuck for that," said Australian cricket expert Brent "Potato" Couchman shortly after India won the third cricket Test in Perth yesterday. "It was about time India woke up and put a half-decent team on the paddock. Jesus."

Couchman was referring to the insertion of hard-hitting opening batsman Virender Sehwag and paceman Irfan Pathan into the Indian team that had lost the first Test in Melbourne to the Australians and the second Test in Sydney to the umpires.

"Sehwag's a legend -- remember when he smashed the Aussies all over the park a few years back? He made nearly 200 off about 100 balls. All summer I've been sat here watching (Rahul) Dravid and Waseem fucking Jaffer farting about doing absolutely fuck-all."

"Sewhag only made about 80 (runs) for the match, but that was about twice what Jaffer and fucking Yuvraj (Singh) made between them in eight innings in the first two Tests. And when (Indian captain Anil) Kumble chucked him the pill in the second dig he knocked over (Adam) Gilchrist and (Brett) Lee, no worries."

Couchman, 35, said he sees the 29-year-old Sehwag as a younger version of himself.

"Back when I was playing (for the Upper Ferntree Gully fourths), I basically had two shots -- the straight drive and the straight pull. Though I also scored a few off the top edge," Couchman said. "Sehwag seems to share my philosophy: they can't turn if they don't bounce, and they can't catch you if the ball's over the fucking fence."

"It's not fucking rocket science, is it?"

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