UnNews:In the wake of the Robo-call scandal, Stephen Harper abolishes elections
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
In the wake of the Robo-call scandal, Stephen Harper abolishes elections
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 20:34:UTC)(
29 February 2012
Ottawa, Ontario - Just days after being accused of using robo-calls to rig the 2011 election and only one month after abolishing the Canada Health Act, Stephen Harper has abolished elections and declared himself "Prime Minister for Life". Elections were abolished after the Conservatives passed the "Security and Good Governance Act of 2012", effectively giving him unlimited power.
The legislation passed by a vote of 163 to 145, divided strictly down party lines. Three moderate Conservatives dissented and voted against Harper's legislation but were immediately executed by firing squad after the motion was adopted. Defence Minister Peter MacKay spoke with UnNews shortly after the legislation was passed. "Let these summary executions be a warning to both members of the Conservative and opposition parties that dissent will no longer be tolerated. We live in challenging and difficult times and the only way to pull through this financial and political crisis is to support the Prime Minister in whatever he chooses to do".
As to be expected, the leaders of the other parties, were outraged that Canadian democracy has been dismantled and Harper has been granted absolute power. Liberal leader Bob Rae, a former New Democrat, has attempted to launch a probe into the alleged robo-calls that took place during the 2011 election that saw the Conservatives rise to majority status. This was before Harper abolished voting rights and installed himself as leader-for-life. The RCMP recently contacted Rae and told him to drop the complaint immediately or face "the consequences". An RCMP official, who didn't want his name released, told UnNews that their top brass was threatened with rape, torture, and execution if they attempted to investigate Harper's conduct before and during the 2011 election campaign. "The probe has essentially been shut-down, the RCMP will fully cooperate with the Harper government and will not act without its approval" the official was quoted as saying.
According to Rae, who is now in hiding, Harper is alleged to have used Robo-calls during the 2011 election campaign. What this means is that on election day, Harper and his cronies used automated phone calls to give known Liberal, NDP, and Bloc supporters false information on where the polling stations were. People were told to vote in areas that were known crack dens and whorehouses. Apparently, Harper was hoping that some of the opposition would be either robbed or murdered, discouraging them from voting in the future. It is not known how much of an impact these dirty tricks had on the outcome of the election but NDP MP Olivia Chow, Jack Layton's widow, believes that this dirty tactic catapulted the Harper government from minority to majority status and gave them the right to do whatever they please.
Protests have sprung up in various parts of the country, particularly in opposition strongholds, Harper has since sent the military in to quell the unrest, following the example of Syrian President Bashir Al-assad. Opposition leaders have gone into hiding, fearing their safety. Many opposition MPs are considering either resigning or crossing the floor to join the Conservatives. Harper has indicated that he is pleased with this recent turn of events. Only minutes after passing the "Security and Good Governance Act of 2012", Harper passed the "Safe Streets of Canada Act" which passed with 100% of the vote, 305-0, with three abstaining due to bullet wounds to the head.
This new act is a crackdown on crime. All murders, unless sanctioned by the state, now carry the death penalty as punishment. Possession of marijuana, once considered a minor misdemenour worthy only of a fine, now carries a mandatory minimum sentence of 10 years. Littering, speeding, and underage drinking are now considered serious crimes and mandatory sentences of 5 years or greater have been prescribed for all offences. Political protests have also been made illegal, they are now considered treason and are punishable by death. Harper insists that this recent crackdown on crime is in no way related to the recent privatization of the prison system and states its simply being done to "protect Canadians from themselves".
Other legislation on the horizon includes the "Online Safety Act of 2012" which permits the government to monitor internet and cell phone activity, the "Defence of Canada Act" which gives the government the right to pre-emptively attack any country deemed to be a threat to our national interests, and the "Job Creation Act" which effectively abolishes minimum wage. Several of the premiers indicated that they would be keeping their provincial minimum wage standards but stood down when Harper threatened them with arrest and torture.
Many international human rights organizations, including Amnesty International are calling whats happening in Canada a "descent into tyranny". They have urged Harper to reinstate elections, step down from power, and turn himself into the ICC to face justice for what hes done. Harper scoffed at this, calling human rights activists "hippies" and warning that anyone who stands in his way will be dealt with accordingly. Harper has named Defence Minister Peter MacKay as his successor if he is killed and indicated that Conservative rule is to continue even after his death. With the likely election of Mitt Romney in the United States this November, it appears that fascism is on the rise in North America and may one day threaten the civilized and democratic nations of Europe, Australia, and parts of East Asia.
- Jordan Press and Lee Berthiaume "Stephen Harper asks opponents for proof in face of robocall allegations". The National Post, February 27th, 2012