UnNews:In response to Chinese construction of world's largest ferris wheel, United States commissions construction of world's largest strip pole
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In response to Chinese construction of world's largest ferris wheel, United States commissions construction of world's largest strip pole
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, August 18, 2017, 13:05:UTC)(
9 November 2007
WASHINGTON D.C., USA -- Just weeks after China began construction of the world's largest ferris wheel, the United States government has announced plans to construct the world's largest stripper pole, which, when completed, will tower over Las Vegas.
In China, construction of the wheel was ordered and organized by the newly formed Federal Board for Wasting Money, designed to try and find a way to spend all of the excess money the country's government has. It was one of several projects designed to squander the country's wealth; others included construction of a 900 foot can opener, and the construction of a spaceship designed exclusively to carry spoons.
The 686 foot ferris wheel in China will serve very little purpose, as any view that it might have offered if it was being built in a less polluted place will be completely obscured by smog. Some analysts predict that the Chinese government will ultimately be using the wheel as a means of executing political dissidents.
In order to effectively compete with the Chinese, the American federal government has ordered the construction of a 300-mile high stripper pole, which will tower above Las Vegas. Unfortunately, the United States budget does not permit the use of metal in order to construct a stripper pole, so the pole will likely be built using empty toilet paper rolls and twigs. Its huge height will make it an easy target for terrorist attacks by airplanes, birds, and the orbiting moon. The government plans to send an army detachment to defend the pole from terrorists by shooting anyone who comes near it (which will make actually watching a striptease fairly inconvenient).
Some analysts predict that this may trigger a new type of "space race," except this time it will be about who can build the biggest amusement park rides, instead of being about something that actually matters. Once completed, the stripper pole is likely to bring in millions of tourists to Las Vegas every year. "Now all we need," says one engineer, "Is a really big stripper."