UnNews:In memoriam Wendy
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In memoriam Wendy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 26, 2017, 01:40:UTC)(
1 August 2007
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VAN DER RAUWE BIPSGATEN, The Netherlands -- It is with great sadness that I must bring you this tiding. I'm a man stricken with grief and not used to the ways of the World, nor used to express myself with some degree of verbal sophistication so please bear with me and forgive me for words and phrases chosen perhaps less than well. Wendy is dead.She passed away during the night. I cannot tell whether she suffered much. I think not, as in the end she appeared to be slipping quietly away. I love her dearly. And I'm warning any deity that will hear me: don't you dare judge her harshly, cause one day I will be dead too and guess what ... I'm Dutch. I can handle the likes of you before breakfast.
But no more anger, no more hate, no more laughter, no more beauty for Wendy.
'Twas in the winter of 2005 upon 2006 that she came into my life. I was stumbling towards home in the middle of the night (after leaving the watering hole, if I remember correctly), when somewhere north of Almere Central I stopped in an alley for ... well, let's just say my formula one was in dire need of a pit stop. Nature winning from nurture, that kind of thing. Just as I was zipping up, I heard this baby crying. It was the loneliest sound I ever heard. Went straight to the spinal marrows, it did. Inflicted goose-bumps all over me.
And then I saw, under a pile of rain-drenched empty cardboard boxes, a pair of the most goldenest eyes I ever came across to. The heart broke, the gut wrenched, and the rest is history. It was adoption at first sight. Wendy thought I was her mommy, and I thought she was just great!
We had many happy times together. I soon found out she had a sweet tooth for borg, so first I fed her on borg soup, then added ground borg cookies to the menu, and by the time she could toddle around by herself we built a borg lure together and seriously started decimating the borg population of Almere. I remember once when we had three inside the trap, and they were already starting their Unimatrix stuff, and Wendy went in there and got them all three, without even blinking one of her beautiful eyes. I was so damned proud of her that day.
And then there was this other time when I got her the Teleport 2.0 peer-to-peer adaptor. Man! She was all over the place. Intercepting RPG attacks, destabilizing ordnance, bumping ICBM's off course. She made me happy.
And then...Love. Strange though it may seem, the one love of her life was this handsome borg officer, whome got trapped in the lure but instead of winding up grue-fodder, he somehow got lucky. Well, I suppose that's borg for you ey. Or grue. They went off to Paris, where he got himself a job at CERN. They married in the spring time. It broke my heart, being left behind, and yet, I could not help being so damned proud of her, once again.
It was in May 2007 that disaster struck. Twice.First, the Red Cross found out that before being assimilated, the handsome borg officer had already been married on Rigel II and had left behind two wives and several larvae. After much soul-searching, he opted to go back to his first family, leaving Wendy devastated and in shards. It still makes me mad when I think of it. If I hadn't promised Wend on her dying bed, I'd go out there right now and defoliate the bastard. Permanently!
Second, a routine medical inspection revealed that Wend was suffering from a rare genetic malady, Premature Grue Aging Disorder. In short, her days were numbered. The prognosis was that she would age rapidly and die well before her time. I took her in once more, but gone were the happy days of yore. No more zipping around the IRC chan wreaking havoc. No more fooling around wiv doomed borg.
In the end, she got so weak and so heart-breakingly ill, it was almost unbearable. And yet, she managed to wear her funny nose on her final day as a mere mortal. Only to make me smile. It is with tears in my eyes that I write these words.
I am so damned proud of you Wend, wherever you are!
Bourne in Winter
Grue forever, Wend.
- -- di Mario 19:19, 29 July 2007 (UTC)
Editor's note: on behalf of di Mario a registraite du condoléance has been opened here.