UnNews:Impromptu Thunderdome erupts at Florida gas station
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Impromptu Thunderdome erupts at Florida gas station
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 19:28:UTC)(
02 July 2008
FORT MYERS, Florida (¡USA!) -- At best, Fort Myers Florida is a somewhat quiet area of the state's North-Central central region. It harbors it's share of insane sex offenders and world class riflemen. It's also got a wide, some would say bountiful selection of illegal narcotics for prospective purchasers. It's got bibles, and also churches to house these bibles and those who choose to read them. The point being: when you're in Fort Myers, sometimes going to the gas station is just a simple trip to the gas station. Other times, its a 200-man battle in an ironclad cage of all-out carnal terror. Welcome to Thunderdome, Sunshine State.
As the altercation -- which started between two men and escalated into two hundred-plus -- was videoed in its entirety, UnNews offers the following excerpts from the incident, along with our own UnNews Expert Analysis. Some portions of the actual battle are too graphic to air on this humor wiki.
edit Clip 1: The Catalyst
KNOWLES: Yo motha fucka I need my god damn cigarettes right motha fuckin' now!
MAX: Are you ready to die for those cancer sticks my good man?
As we can see, Mr. Knowles is rather angry that he doesn't have his cigarettes. He needs them. They're like batteries when he's out working the late shift at Ruby Tuesday. It's his day off, and he is in serious need of his Newports, lest this evening begin to ignite like a roman candle. However, the man with no name (here referred to as "Max") has looked into a warrior's eyes at the moment of death's embrace. He's trekked the deserts of post-apocalyptic Australia. He's been within the rusted metal dome of ultimate decision. And now, Mr. Knowles is begging to enter that cage himself.
KNOWLES: Oh you wanna start some shit huh? You wanna fuck with the big dogs motha fucka?! I'll drop that punk ass quick, with ya nasty wolf-skin pants, bitch!
MAX: Well then, looks like dyin' time is here once again.
At this point, Tina Turner enters the Fort Myers Racetrac gas station in full Auntie Entity regalia. She looks angered.
TINA: What's THIS!? WHAT'S THIS!? This is Bartertown!
KNOWLES: This is Fort Myers, hoe.
Ms. Turner pulls a sawed-off shotgun from her leg holster. Mr. Knowles becomes visibly startled.
TINA: I'm Tina fuckin' Turner bitch, recognize!
Mr. Knowles recognizes.
TINA: This is MY town! I built this city on rock and roll! I also left a good job in the city, working for the man every night and day!
MAX: And your point?
TINA: Welcome to another edition of Thunderdome! Two men enter, one man leaves!
MAX: But we're in a Racetrac gas station.
KNOWLES: And I got like 100 mo'fuckas with me against this fool.
MAX: As do I, with me against this fool.
TINA: Well then, it's...Thunderdome Melee!
TINA: Just shut up and start killing eachother!
edit Clip 2: Welcome to Racetracerdome!
All out mayhem ensues. The tiny gas station becomes a scene from 300. Except there are only 200 or so people. Max and Knowles fight tooth and nail, using any and all weapons at their disposal, including fire. The fire doesn't work out so well.
ENTIRE CROWD: FIRE!
People begin running, impaling themselves, and looting the Racetrac for all the beef jerky in stock. As the crowd disperses, Mr. Knowles and the man known as Max remain in a fiery ring of flaming fire. The struggle for a moment before Mr. Knowles is knocked to the ground.
KNOWLES: Damn baby you fuckin' crazy!
MAX: I know. Sucks for you, dickweed.
Max pours gasoline into Mr. Knowles' mouth and ignites a match. He drops it, setting Mr. Knowles' head on fire.
MAX: Happy Arbor Day, sucka.
Max lights up a cigarette and begins to walk into the distance, where he is apprehended by a fleet of Fort Myers police officers.
edit End Notes
Though his head was engulfed in flames for nearly 3 minutes, Mr. Knowles was able to drive himself to the hospital where he promptly died sometime later. The man called Max was taken to a Fort Myers booking station, where he is currently awaiting trial. Video evidence of the incident will likely play a part in Max's hearing.