Implications of Scottish independence laid bare

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13 September 2014


Unfortunately, a promising spokesman for a 'Yes' vote insisted on assurances that there are no 'dirty Jews' in Scotland.

HOLYROOD, Republic of Scotland -- A few days before the election on Scottish independence, the implications of a 'Yes' vote are becoming clear, as the World Court in The Hague has ruled that secession would void every contract or agreement ever made that spans Scotland and the Mother Country.

Scotland's banks have declared that they will sack all their Scottish employees, move to vacant real estate in London's financial 'City,' start devising signage, and try to hire Londoners who don't mind working for the 'Royal Bank of Scotland' shortly after its namesake thumbed its nose at the capital of capital. RBS may adopt the same ruse it has adopted in the north-east United States, where the non-citizen bank is styled Citizens Bank. But the New England region itself will change its name to New England But Certainly Not Scotland. Nearby Nova Scotia will be in a particular quandary.

English PM David Cameron has declared that, after withdrawing its Queen and its banks, England will withdraw all its currency without replacing it with anything. Spokespersons for ASDA and Tesco operations in the Highland confirmed that customers reaching the till without pounds sterling or anything else of value will be met by cashiers with blank stares. These officials are certain that a new Scottish government will not invent any currency, nor will anyone else in the new nation, nor will anyone get the idea of bartering but will elect to starve instead.

Moreover, England will not stay on the pound either. Mr Cameron states that the wording on the banknotes, as to exactly what Elizabeth II is Queen of, will be painfully obsolete. He promises that the former United Kingdom (fUK) will devise an electronic money to be known as the Britcoin.

The international effects of a secession vote will be sweeping and immediate. Northern Ireland, left out to dangle, will also 'get the fUK out,' as will the Isle of Man, the Channel Islands, Canada's Maritime Provinces, and Puerto Rico — other island territories with a similar love/hate relationship with the Mother Tongue. Separatist movements in Catalonia, the Basque Region, and Québec will be invigorated. These 'ugly stepsisters' of the world may fall in together, in a disconnected confederation, along with the Principality of Metropolitan Kiev and probably Arequipa, Peru.

Oil operations on the North Sea will suddenly stop, as England will not own it and Scotland will not have the keys to the drilling platforms. The most that can happen is that pirate radio operators will camp in tents on the platforms. This may be the only economic activity left in Scotland.

Scotland and England might take a page out of American History and immediately plunge into senseless Civil War. Mel Gibson could have spurred Scots onto violence, had his credibility not taken a few recent, self-inflicted blows.

Finally, as border-crossing procedures will be undefined, the sun will not be able to rise in the Scottish sky and the proud young nation will be cast into total darkness.

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